Sunday, December 4, 2011

back on oxy

I'm happier this way all around. It's easier. I have suboxone so I don't use every day and I'm not stuck in the daily grind of needing to get some. My job is going awesome and am getting a lot of hours. Winter and Christmas coming up, already bought the kid quite a few presents. Tried a new drug, well new for me, coke. Liked it a lot, I guess who doesn't, not doing it unless it's free.

Monday, July 25, 2011


Off the suboxone finally. Don't much like it, losing my safety net. Losing a lot of weight.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

a job!!!!!

I finally got a job! I'm working in the kitchen in a hotel in downtown DC. This is really the best city in America, lots of jobs if you have a skill. Been going to meetings, haven't been using at all but I have a "planned relapse" when my stock market money  comes in on wednesday- $3500! First things first- gas up my ride, buy groceries for the week, buy R something special, buy some summer clothes for both of us. Then I got about $200 set aside for get high. Hooray for the stock market! Hooray for my job! Hooray for DC!

For those of you who like to project "your" addicts behavior onto me: here is a list of things that I've read about on these blogs, but that I've never done:
-gone to jail
-slept in the streets not by choice
-stolen from anyone, especially my family
-pawned someone elses jewelry or electronics
-screamed and cursed at my family (past age 16)
-been fired from a job, kicked out of school, or kicked out of anything really
-gone to rehabs detoxes and halfway houses
-spent all my food money on drugs
-blamed my family for my addiction
-"borrowed" anyones car without permission
-neglected my child to get high or because I was high
-left R with anyone to do anything besides go to work, school, or run necessary non-drug errands
-used someone else's credit or debit card without permission
-broken into anything (house or business)
-sold drugs to kids under 18
-shot up with a needle (gross)
-driven under the influence of drugs or alcohol
-physically abused my child or even had CPS know I exist

I am not your typical addict. I am responsible and I take care of my business. Please no projecting.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

secret junkys in NA? i can't hear you...

Been going to meetings lately, already finding reasons I don't like it. At first, I couldn't relate to anyone there because all these people talking about robbing houses and copping crack in west Baltimore just is so far from my world. I was thinking there was no one there more like me, a "functioning addict", who works for a living or goes to school and raises a kid and holds it together but still can't seem to put the stuff down. But then I started thinking- if there are people like me there, they're secret junkys too. They aren't gonna put their business on blast in front of a room filled with 50 scary looking crackheads (or recovering crackheads). It's kind of hard to speak up, I guess. I talked to a couple chicks and they were both, again, far from my world. One told me I should immediately go to detox and then move into some halfway house that she lived at in the middle of the ghetto "where you can live with your kid". THAT sounds like a safe environment for a well-adjusted, sweet, slightly spoiled, Caucasian 2-year-old girl... not. I need to find someone there who I can relate to, another secret junky. I just don't know how to sniff these people out. I think I know about one woman, not sure but she's got all the junky tells. She's another mom at the preschool where my kid goes. Real expensive clothes, nice car, tiny pupils. I couldn't really say why, but she seems like a secret junky to me. I wonder if she can smell it on me. We only know each other to say hi how's the weather at the school or birthday parties.

Monday, May 30, 2011

memorial day

I love patriotic holidays in downtown DC. We spent the morning watching the festivities and having a picnic at the mall. Haven't taken any suboxone yesterday or today, so I'm feeling pretty bad, gonna dose .5mg (1/16 of a pill) at noon and hopefully that will get me right. I'm almost out of the subs, if I can't jump off soon I'm gonna have to go back to the suboxone doctor for another script which will cost some of the money that I've put aside for the apartment that R and I (and a roommate and her kid) are moving into within the month! That sweet baby R is so special, I can't wait to get our own place so I need to not go back to the sub doctor and instead save that cash.

My friend who robbed me has paid me back $20 of what she took, and is now in detox. Hope she finds what she is looking for. As I understand it, she goes to detox whenever people get really pissed off at her and then thinks everyone should treat her better because of it. Whatever. I can't see myself stealing from friends and family, even if I do get worse in my addiction. That is low, low, low and it's not my style. I don't necessarily believe that every drug addict will steal- although I will agree that a junky is more likely to. My brother is a drug addict, and he's never taken anything of mine or my parents. It all comes down to who you are as a person, drugs can't change your core values that much. I dunno, I feel like I've been on opiates forever, I don't even remember my carefree life before R, or even with her as an infant when I didn't use anything, it's summer again which means I'm almost one year on this merry-go-round of addiction. A year! Not bad. Not buying any stuff today, even if the girl comes over.

Friday, May 27, 2011

thieves are the worst

been using oxy for the last 4 days, culminating in trying heroin for the first time last night. After all the horror stories I've heard about sticky black tar that you have to shoot in yourself and romantic stories about falling in love from the first time, it was quite uneventful. It was a little bag of brown powder that I could sniff just like the oxy, made me really sleepy and nauseous. I don't like it- the oxy at least gives me energy and assists in me having fun or taking care of my business. All that stuff seemed to do was make me useless and numb. I guess I can see the appeal, if one doesn't have a job or school or a little kid or bills to pay or anything to do her whole life. I prefer drugs that are useful. I've locked up the rest of my funds (which is supposed to have been locked up, I got a surprise  check from the scholarship office and thats where the last 4 days came from, I didn't cut into R's money) and am not going to do anything today. Never realized how easy it is to get heroin in DC, it's really everywhere and I didn't notice. I have a car now, just got it day before yesterday, it's kind of old but it runs! Now I don't have to take the metro just to get to work and school and I can actually drive my own kid around. Very excited about that.

The girl I use with stole from me. It hurt me pretty bad, because I thought we weren't like that. Being a drug addict is no excuse to steal from friends and family (or anyone, really). I think if I became a "real junkie" (as in, no job no house no custody of kid no money) I'd rather be a prostitute than steal from people. I stole ten dollars from my dad when I was 15, to buy cigarettes and beer. Felt terrible about it until I confessed and paid him back 2 months later. I don't know how people live with that on their conscence. Especially from people they supposedly care about.

I'm making progress. I'm glad I used, it gave me a sense of perspective- it really wasn't worth all the trouble it caused me this weekend and getting ripped off for 80 bucks while I slept she went through my pants. I love the word progress because it's flexible, like me. Going to downtown today, maybe take R to the mall and see all the touristy parts of my beloved city. Lincoln Memorial, anyone?

Friday, May 6, 2011

still clean, pretty much

Something between 3 weeks and a month clean. I'm not counting days. I'm down to itty-bitty crumbs of suboxone per day. I don't know what each dose actually is, but here's my routine. I take a half a suboxone (4mg) and break it into 10 pieces. Then each piece is a day's worth of doses, lately it's been a day and a half's worth of doses. Been smoking less weed, drinking some but always "professionally" and responsibly. My parents are gone for the next 2 weeks so it's just me and R in the house, with my mom's car (I just paid off my drivers license so I can get to school and work, etc) and a house full of groceries. Lots of cravings to buy oxy one of these nights after R is asleep, because I can just smoke them out on the back porch and don't have to worry about getting caught. Not going to do it. One day at a time. I should be totally off the suboxone by the end of this month, progress. I don't care if no one likes this. Progress is an underused term in 12-step lingo, with more focus on "clean" vs "using". I've made tons of progress and I'm proud of me. Got a new awesome job! No more opiate slavery for me.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

starting over tomorrow

Had a great time today in spite of it all. Got high in a parking lot, hung out with Jean listening to music, took a nap to sober up, made some delicious food, picked up R and went to the park, baked her a cake and presented it to her, put her to bed, now I'm going to bed. Tomorrow I'm back on the subs and I can try again. I still went 2 weeks, which is the longest I've ever been without. I didn't lose that time- no matter what happened today I still was able to accomplish that. I bet I can go longer this time- it wasn't worth it so I don't want to do it again. Wasn't as fun as I remember. Tomorrow is a new day!


Shit-talkers prepare your keyboards- I'm about to go get some oxy with Jean. R is at preschool and I have nothing to do all day. Skipped my suboxone. I hope I at least enjoy it.

Monday, March 21, 2011


Having a hard time at 2mg, went up to 2 1/2mg per day, split up into 2 doses. Still no blues. Wanted to get some night before last but Dude texted me a ridiculous price so I said screw it. I'd like to think I would have said screw it either way, but regardless of that I didn't get any. 14 days tomorrow.

I'm nearly done with college and searching for a part time job during my last semester. I can work full time after I graduate, but I need some more money. Today was the first "school day" of my break and I spent it with R riding the metro and wandering around DC. We live in the best city in America. Had a nice lunch and played outside. Had a lazy dinner- avocado-lime egg salad and pb+j for the kid, side of chips and grapes. Happy.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

day eleven!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG I have 11 days off oxy!!!! This is huge for me, I'm so happy and I'm feeling great. Jumping from 3mg of suboxone to 2mg was difficult, but I did it day before yesterday finally. My taper is a little off track because of that and it will take a little longer than expected. But I've dropped my suboxone dose by HALF and am not even craving the oxy anymore. My relationship with my daughter is improving because she can see how happy I am. Hooray for me.

Monday, March 14, 2011


So, my last post sounded mean. My bad. I understand that no one was speaking out of malice, just a wee bit of ignorance. What you thought was a half-hearted attempt at quitting all drugs is actually a 100% attempt at tapering off opiates. I understand how that could be confusing to those entrenched in the 12 step culture, where no drugs = good and any drugs = bad. I drink herbal tea to soothe my stomach and calm me down too (chamomile, ginger, etc). I also enjoy spicy foods for the rush (capcasin is a natural stimulant) and drink coffee and soda. MIND ALTERING DRUGS!!!! But seriously, just because people have an addiction problem in common doesn't mean they have EVERYTHING in common. That is why the one-size-fits-all NA approach simply doesn't work for everyone. No question it works for many. I don't like the intolerant exclusivity. And I really hate that c word.

And yes, my parents know about the weed. They don't care as long as I don't smoke inside or in front of them or R (which I don't). They see my actions rather than seeing my situation in black-and-white terms. Good thing they aren't 12 steppers or I might really be in trouble!

you don't have to use the c word...

I think a lot of folks are misunderstanding me. When I said that I wanted to get off blues, they must have heard "I want to do everything that NA says." Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. My goal at the moment is *not* NA-approved squeaky clean off everything and working the little steps and surrendering everything I've worked so hard for. Okay? It simply isn't. My goal at the moment is BREAKING THE PHYSICAL ADDICTION TO OXYCODONE. Anything else... well, it's just what total strangers think is best for me. I'm doing better now than I have since I started, and all I get, both from this blog and at meetings, is "you aren't really clean" "you're doing it wrong" "suboxone is cheating" "you need to do things my way" "your program is different than mine" and my personal least favorite, "NA IS THE ONLY THING THAT WORKS". I'm sorry, but what a load of crap. I've known folks to quit drugs without ever taking one of the 12 steps. Maintenance to detox? Religious conversion? Pregnancy? That works if you work it too. NA is one of many tools that addicts have. It's not the end-all of recovery that all drug addicts must emulate or perish. That just sounds too holier than thou. I am in recovery! Maybe not in NA-approved recovery, but I'm getting better. I'm feeling happier and I'm saving money and this is my 6th day without oxycodone in a row. Maybe that's just "stupid" and "non-NA" to everyone else because I'm taking suboxone and smoking weed but it means a hell of a lot to me. My biggest issue with NA so far is that the people are divided into 2 camps- USING and CLEAN. I suppose the USING group is "dirty." And that's it, you are either with us or you are against us. Circumstances mean nothing. If a man who smoked crack for 15 years completely gets off the blow, gets a job, gets an apartment, gains 10 pounds and then drinks a beer with his buddies after work, he's USING. Basically takes a large crap on all your accomplishments in favor of "the NA way", which of course isn't right for everyone. There is no set of rules out there that is right for everyone. I may be in the opposing camp (dirrrrty dirrrrty USER) but at least I'm helping myself.

So if anyone has any tips that will help me BREAK THE PHYSICAL ADDICTION TO OPIATES, please don't keep it to yourself. But if anyone has tips to inform me HOW TO DO IT YOUR WAY... well, I really couldn't care less. Maybe once I break the physical addiction, I can quit everything else. Maybe. If I want to. Not if someone else wants me to, but if I WANT TO. I have been smoking weed since I was 13 years old with absolutely no ill effects, but I forgot that strangers know better than I do. Because I'm obviously in denial- the sort of infuriating accusation you can't respond to in any way but placid agreement.

So... 6 days off oxycodone! From now on, this blog will NOT tolerate use of the word "clean" to mean anything but not covered in dirt. It is offensive slang to me, and in the same way that I don't use the f-word, I will not be using the c-word.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

one problem on top of another?

I've seen people when they get off drugs, and they always get fat. Maybe that's it. I was never really big, 15 extra pounds at most, but since starting the blues I have been thin and beautiful. As a chef and a baker, I could never really pull off "emaciated" since I ate constantly. The blues gave me "the munchies" and the energy and desire to cook, so I'd always come up with something delicious. So how does taking pills that make me want to eat alfredo sauces and Italian cheesecake make me LOSE weight? It doesn't make a lick of sense. I'm actually eating less being on suboxone (especially today with the stims), but I think that's just my body getting used to a new drug and the absence of the one its used to, added to the removal of the munchie effect from the blues. Once I'm "normal" again, will I start gaining weight? Ag, that would be horrible. Being a cute, thin girl is an easier way to go through life than a girl who is 10-15 pounds overweight. I love being thin and beautiful. What is this, some sort of eating disorder I didn't know I had? I *am* pretty obsessed with food, but in the "learn how to fix a broken butter sauce" type of way, not in the "if I only eat celery all day, I won't have to purge until after dessert" sort of way. I don't know if I could be anorexic on account of I love to eat, that's a non-issue. Bulimic? Sounds gross, bulimics aren't thin and beautiful, they're Kiera Knightley thin and look ready to fall over and die at any moment. No, if I really developed an eating disorder I'd probably just take drugs. Damn. Well the good news is, it's just about my bedtime. I have no plans to score blues, I have no cash even if I did have plans to score blues, and since I am alone with my daughter tonight I can't (and wouldn't) leave to go get anything. I honestly don't even have a taste for them at the moment. I'm in a slight amount of withdrawal, counteracted by the vyvanse. I start getting sick at night so far, I just have to get my body used to the 3mg dose before dropping it next week. Pot helps, as does going to bed early. But even with the sniffles and cramping stomach and goosebumpy skin (compounded by the fact that it's 45 degrees outside), I'm not craving blues. Honestly, that's huge for me right there. I just hope I stay thin- I've actually lost 4 pounds since starting suboxone.

day 4!

I haven't been this long without oxycodone since I started using. I am very proud of myself. Today, tomorrow and the next day I'll be continuing taking 3mg of suboxone, then Tuesday I drop to 2mg. For a little boost of energy, I've also taken Vyvanse today (lisodexamphetamine). I am not doing 100% great, but much better than I have in a long time. Hooray for being on the road to sobriety!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

suboxone day one...

Went to the suboxone doctor today my brother took me at 9am after I told my mom I had to be at school early. I got into this on my own, and that's how I have to get out of it. No crying to mommy and daddy to solve my problems for me. He had to leave immediately, and I chose the *one day* of the week that the clinic opened at 11am instead of 9. So, I waited for 2 hours. No excuses- I ran out a while ago. They dosed me with 4mg and then wrote me a week's worth of 12mg per day. Since I take 1-2mg per day (and plan on starting my taper at 3mg tomorrow) this should last me long enough to not have to go back next week for a dosage drop to 10mg. I've heard that suboxone doctors are famous for overprescribing and that "less is more" with buprenorphine drugs like suboxone. 4mg was far too much- I was high by the time I got to school at 130pm (by taxi, no less). The high has seemed to increase instead of decreasing as the day has gone by. We reviewed for the final practical exam today at school. Nothing I don't already know how to do.

I think this is going to work, my little suboxone taper with 11 1/2 pills in my possession. I hope so- I miss being clean. I didn't really appreciate it when I was. Probably because I didn't know what addiction was, I just smoked pot sometimes and didn't *need* it. Oxycodone is different. I'm so excited to have my script and no more excuses! Has anyone ever been this excited to STOP using drugs? Hooray!

a script

I'm seeing the suboxone doctor today at 9am!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

outing myself to someone

Smoked a half of one today after school. I couldn't take the withdrawal anymore. After hours of consideration, I outed myself to my brother, who knows of my pot usage and was one of the few that knew I used oxy "every once in a while" but of course didn't know I was addicted or that I used every day. He will be visiting for about a week soon, so he is going to take me to an outpatient detox that I have researched so I can get a script for suboxone from an actual doctor. I'd be able to quit using suboxone if I had enough, but I can't seem to find any on the black market so I need to get a prescription. He is willing to take me to pick it up.

I was so afraid (and a bit ashamed) to tell him about my struggles, and he astonished me with his response: he's having trouble with pills as well. Different pills, but still- we have more in common than I thought. He told me no one knows except for his 2 dealers and now me. Amazing. The biggest difference is that he doesn't have any kids and is only responsible for himself. We can support each other, but he lives 7 hours away so it will have to be over the phone and internet for the most part because he only makes it to DC every other month or so. This detox center will be good for me- between that and the meetings I've been going to, I should be able to kick this crap for good. I can't wait! I'm going to maintain on the LOWEST POSSIBLE DOSE until then, just enough to keep me able to take care of my business and of course my beautiful daughter. I don't even want to smoke or get high anymore, I really don't. I'm so over it, I just want to be normal and not have to expend so much mental energy on the acquisition and concealment of these horrific blues!

Today, only 15mg. I'll do the same amount tomorrow only if I really need to, I'm hoping on not dosing at all until at least after school. I just want to do right by R. I cry sometimes because I just want her to be happy, that's all I really want. Everything else in my life takes a backseat to her happiness. I hate being a secret junky. Only a week and 2 days until I get my prescription! Until then, meetings and maintenance. With my brother at my side, I know I can do it.

In non-secret-junky news, R's little half-brother was born today! No, I was not pregnant, it's R's father's baby with his girlfriend of over a year. On this blog, I'll call him Matt since that's nowhere near his name. I can't wait until the girlfriend and child are discharged so R and I can come over and see him! I've seen one picture on facebook, he's a little wrinkled bundle. Looks nothing like R, looks a lot more like his mother, adorable though. I'm really excited for them, and R has seen the pic and since then has been yammering about "my baby brudder, he's brand new mama, I big girl sister, I hug baby [Matt], he's a little baby, very funny and cute, I so happy". God I love it when she says she's happy.

still clean

It hurts.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

day 2 no oxy

I'm sick, I'm covered in sweat and I didn't sleep all last night. But I haven't taken anything all of yesterday! I just took 1mg of suboxone at 644am and am waiting for that to give me some relief.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

stop the hate please

I didn't start this blog to be insulted and called a bad mother. I started this blog to make sense of my feelings and my addiction without being hated on or discriminated against. If it's a "disease" like the commenters claim, then why the hate? To use one commenter's analogy, you wouldn't call a cancer patient a bad mother for having cancer. It's just rude is what it is. I don't spew hatred and judgement on any other blogs. Why the disdain for lil SJ? Does anyone believe they are helping in any way by calling me a bad mother while not knowing anything about me besides less than a month of very selective excerpts from my life? Didn't anyone's mother ever teach them that if they didn't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?

I'm not living with my parents because I'm on drugs, I'm living with my parents so I can finish college. I'm not the only college student to ever do this, I reckon, especially since I'm a single mother. And my daughter's father was a sweet, loving, caring (so I thought) non-addict who deserted us as soon as she was born. She sees him every other Friday and he pays child support. He has another girlfriend and another child now, and I don't want to force sweet little R on anyone. I want the people in her life to WANT to spend time with her and to love her without anyone making them. I don't want R to be a burden on anyone. She's too special for that.

Please stop with the negativity. It's unhelpful at best and cruel at worst.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

too high to type

I am so scared that I'm going to be found out, that I'm not going to be able to stop, that I'm going to lose R. I can't lose R, she is my entire universe. There are only 2 things in the world that makes this junky really, truly happy and satisfied. The first (and foremost) is R- she's the light of my life. Having our picnic breakfast every morning is my happiest part of the day. We just bundle up and sit on the driveway on a blanket, and I make a platter with a large sandwich cut into little bite-sized circles and a bowl of yogurt and different types of fruit- blueberries, strawberries, apple slices, tangerine, starfruit, kiwi, etc. Then we fill up a large cup of water or occasionally juice and we bring the whole thing outside to eat. We stay out there chatting and playing for an hour sometimes. The only other thing that makes me happy is cooking- when I'm in the kitchen (just like when I'm with R) I don't think about getting high. I can forget for a while that I'm a junky because I have other important things in my life. Things MORE important to me than getting high.

But the fact remains, I am scared. I earned some money just to spend on blues an d I am so incredibly high right now that I can barely see the words on the screen. I usually don't make typos so hopefully this will turn out legibly. My fingers might be clumsy too though, so who knows. Jean is my friend, a real friend, I've known her since way before the drugs. She is also my main connection for oxy, and I have asked her, as a friend, to not get anything for me. To completely cut me off to oxy and refuse to get me any. She has agreed, I now need to ask Dude the same thing. I hope she follows through. I'm NOT BUYING ANY MORE. I'm going to a meeting with R tomorrow morning, I'm gonna get a sponsor or at least someone to talk to that can talk me out of things, I'm gonna finish up what I have and then not buy any more. I need to stop spending money almost as much as I need to quit doing blues. I'm so incredibly blitzed right now, I don't even know if this makes any sense.

i guess i'm not a real mother

Went to an NA meeting last night with Jean. About 30 minutes in, some stupid woman "shared" a 15 minute rant about "selfish bitches" who do drugs when they have young children and then "dare to call themselves mothers". Way to alienate. Jean and I left, we don't need that sort of nonsense, I doubt it was aimed at us as we hadn't said we each had a kid. But still, you've got a lot of women there who are trying to get help- why say things like that? Stupid.

Friday, February 25, 2011

this is the deal that never ends, no it goes on and on my friends, lil SJ tried to work with her while knowing who she was, and she'll be texting fruitlessly forever just because this is the deal that never ends...

A frustrating play-by-play of me scoring oxy in DC today:

834am-    SJ texts Jean to ask for oxy
1111am-  Jean texts SJ that she can get them now
1115am-  SJ texts to inquire about price
1117am-  Jean texts SJ the price
1124am-  Jean texts SJ she will be over soon to pick up the money
1157am-  Jean texts SJ she will be over in 20 minutes
105pm-    Jean calls SJ to say she will be there in 2 minutes and to come outside with the money
113pm-    Jean arrives to pick up the money and drives off
143pm-    SJ texts Jean to find out what is going on with her money
144pm-    Jean texts that she just picked them up, but she stopped to pick up her paycheck and cash it
145pm-    Jean texts that she will be at SJ's house with the oxy at 230
158pm-    SJ forgets how much she hates running out, and smokes her last 15mg of oxy
223pm-    SJ stares uselessly at the clock, knowing full well that Jean won't deliver at 230
236pm-    SJ texts Jean to find out if she is nearby
238pm-    Jean texts that she is just now cashing her check
300pm-    ....absolutely nothing.....
304pm-    Jean texts that she is on her way back to SJ
329pm-    Jean calls to tell SJ that she hasn't gotten them yet and might not be able to, and might be back to drop SJ's money off
330pm-    SJ hangs up and fights tears
342pm-    Jean calls with no good news
346pm-    SJ texts Dude asking if he has anything
347pm-    Dude texts SJ to come on over to his house
347pm-    SJ calls Jean for a ride to Dude's house, she agrees and says she will be at SJ's in less than 10 minutes
400pm-    Jean pulls up at SJ's house and invites her to hop in the car
410pm-    SJ texts Dude that she is on her way
414pm-    SJ and Jean arrive at Dude's house, SJ gathers her and Jean's money
416pm-    SJ enters Dude's house and makes the transaction
422pm-    SJ snorts half a blue in Jean's car
441pm-    Jean takes SJ to pick up R and go to the park

This is the sort of situation that makes me want to quit doing blues. All the waiting... I hate it. Hate it hate it hate it. Well, at least I'm straight now and have some for tonight and for tomorrow. I'm not really trying hard at all to quit to be honest. It is what it is.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

still going

Didn't quit. Big surprise, right? I didn't actually try this time, I just bought more. My checking-account balance scared me, so I chopped my ATM card in half. Now if I need money for my/R's needs, I'll have to take her into the actual bank and get the necessary cash. No ATM card means no money at night, when I'm tempted.

Night before last I got high with Jean. She couldn't find any blues, so we ended up buying 40mg OxyContin and we smoked 2 of them in her car parked in her dad's driveway while no one was home besides her younger brother (who does it too). The name-brand OxyContin gets me much higher than the blues do, but they are much harder to crush up and snort. Yesterday I brought my microplane zester/grater into the bathroom to grate the halves of the remaining pill so I could get it up my nose. I guess I could have eaten it, but I wanted to bust through the time-release first. 40mg all day yesterday, and no more. I ended up purchasing 3 more at about 1130pm, I was dead asleep when Dude called me and told me he happened to be 5min away from my house and would I like a couple for a discounted price. I jumped on that of course, but didn't do any right away because I was already mostly asleep and figured it would be a waste of drugs.

This morning I woke up really feeling the withdrawal. I still kept my promise to myself about the first words out of my mouth to R being "good morning [R]" in a cheery tone. We did our "cuddle-snuggle" (her words) as per our morning routine, which I'm proud to say I didn't rush through just to get away from her and go get high. Then I put her on the couch with her raisins and almond milk before retiring to the bathroom for a 30mg line. I dressed her in the new outfit I just bought for her and gave her hugs hugs hugs. That little R deserves all the hugs and love in the universe.

To answer a comment about "how are you supposed to get a job if you keep doing drugs"- that's actually the great thing about my chosen field of work. From the finest 4-star restaurants and hotels to the guy who flips the burgers and drops the french fries at Mickey D's, drug testing is all but nonexistent in the food world. This is because almost everyone in a professional kitchen is on something. Booze, pot, pills, coke, speed, crack, heroin, hallucinogens, or a combination of those. Most of us smoke cigarettes as well (which I do). In my profession, being on drugs doesn't matter as long as you can show up each day and do your job. And that's what I do now- I take care of business first. I have no absences at school and I'm known as one of the "strong ones" in my kitchen group there (as in, the ones who help carry the talentless hacks). I do all sorts of odd jobs for money, mostly cooking for people or writing essays but other stuff as well. This weekend I'm catering a 2-year-old birthday party, which I'm very excited about. I get to put the cake-decorating skills I've learned in school to the test! The mother of that 2 year old is NOT going to care what drugs I took that morning or the night before the party. What she will care about is the food, especially the cake. Are the chicken strips warm and crispy? How is the macaroni and cheese? Does the cake feature Elmo and Big Bird from Sesame Street as requested? Are there bowls of fresh fruit and veggies with ranch dip? Somehow I don't think making me urinate in a cup for a drug test is on her list of party events. Another reason I want to be a chef so badly.

Anyway, I'm out of cash and my ATM card is in several pieces. I have 2 blues left, I'll probably do one more today and then get through all of tomorrow with just the last one. I'll just repeat my mantra over and over and over- do not buy any more. Do not buy any more. Do not buy any more. Do not buy any more. Any cash I make will be taken to the bank (not the ATM, obviously) and deposited immediately. Money can only be spent on groceries, cigarettes, diapers and clothes for R. Nothing else. I've lost my Starbucks privileges.

There's a large left-wing political protest in DC this weekend, and I was thinking of going. For the sake of neutrality, I'm not going to say whether I'm going to march with them or join the counter-protest group. But either way, I'm practicing my freedom of speech! Tonight is an NA meeting that Jean and I are going to, she is supposedly trying to get her daughter back. Wish me luck.

Monday, February 21, 2011

a better mom

I didn't quit doing blues. I've been doing them daily, even smoking at night. It sucks, but it is what it is. I'm trying again tomorrow, I feel so much better on the subs and off the blues than when I'm on them.

I'm working on being a better mom to R. Sometimes I'm rude or dismissive to her when I shouldn't be, or I pawn her off on someone else when she wants to play with me because I want to play on the computer or do something else unimportant. Also I'm not in the greatest mood when she wakes me up at 7am, and the way I speak to her is not a good way for us to start the day. I have recognized my problem and starting today have been trying to address that. When I went to bed last night, I decided that the first thing I would say to R when she woke me up was "good morning". I wouldn't grump at her, or turn on a cartoon while I continued to sleep with her sitting next to me on the bed, or tell her "let mama sleep a couple more minutes". And I did it right- we got right out of bed, I got her a glass of almond milk and watched Spongebob with her, we got dressed, played with puzzles together instead of me screwing around on the computer while she played alone. Then we went for a walk around the block to blow bubbles and look at animals (birds, squirrels, dogs, etc) and then had our breakfast outside (bundled up of course) as a picnic. She really loves being outside. Then we went to the zoo and played together until 2pm, and she fell asleep on the ride home. I transferred her into our bed when we got back and am still waiting for her to wake up so we can go to the mall together, or possibly the park. I really love that kid, and she's so much happier when I play with her instead of being selfish and lazy like I tend to be. I need to make a conscious effort to say "no" to her less, because once we are hanging out together I never regret it. She's so much fun and she's hilarious.

I spent night before last hanging out with Jean, the girl who sells me the blues. We smoked quite a few and talked about our kids. She didn't even bother to pick up her kid this weekend, which I don't understand. If I only had R on weekends, I'd be there Friday night at midnight because it'd be technically Saturday. And I can't even say "If I was on drugs" like I have no idea what she's going through. I am on drugs, and I couldn't be away from my kid the way she is. I'd go nuts, if we were apart I'd do whatever it took for us to be together again. She told me I'm a good mom. Sometimes I have my doubts.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

who, me?

I was offered a hit of crack by a drunken homeless guy at the bus stop today. Maybe my junky is starting to show.


Made it the entire day without doing any (or even any suboxone) or even feeling sick, until about 9pm when I finally scored and did one. I have 2 left but am going to dose as late in the day as possible to titrate my dose down. I liked yesterday- from when I woke up to about a half hour after my daughter went to sleep, I was 100% drug free. Very nice. I scored the 3 last night from Dude. He actually texted me night before last and told me to hit him up in the morning, which I did and he didn't answer until close to 2pm and at that point I was in the kitchen, elbow-deep in gigantic mixer bowls filled with prailine buttercream or genoise batter. I texted him after I got home, he told me 9pm and I just sat around on the internet, expecting him to show up closer to midnight. But he showed up around 9... in fact he was EARLY! 2 minutes early, but early nonetheless. It was unheard of.

My real problem isn't physical withdrawal. My problem is in my head. Right now, I really want to go sniff up a half a blue, but I'm not going to feel it really unless I'm sick.

Monday, February 14, 2011

day 0

Well, I made it just a bit over 48hrs this time. I broke pretty much all my detox guidelines after finding out my "date" for the night had to work instead. I already had a sitter that night for after she was asleep, so I said screw it, ran to the ATM, called Jean to pick me up, and smoked 4 blues pretty much back-to-back (sure I shared a little, but she shared hers with me as well. I am completely trashed right now and can barely see straight, but I'm about to go to bed so I guess I'll just sleep it off.

Two days- damn. I'm gonna try this differently- I might have to actually clip my ATM card in half and be completely and utterly broke for at least a week. If that doesn't work, I might have to tell my dad and have him help me by holding my debit card and using it to buy diapers, groceries, cigs, etc. As much as I hate the thought of blowing my cover to anyone, especially those in my immediate family, my dad is not the type to lose his lunch over big problems. He'd help me, and he wouldn't even tell my mom (who is a radical Christian Republican with a penchant for the dramatic). Might end up being my best option. I don't even want to be this high right now. I just didn't want to save any for the next day, I wanted tomorrow to be day 1 all over again.

Bye for now, I wanna post this before midnight and the day changes over

day 2

I didn't use any oxy yesterday! I took 1mg of suboxone (1/8 of a pill) and that was all. I just had to address one comment on this topic- "For it [suboxone] to work, you must be under a doctor's care." Wait, what? So the active properties of the drug just shut themselves off if they aren't prescribed to me? If only oxy worked that way, then I wouldn't get high or be addicted. Suboxone binds to your opiate receptors to ease withdrawal symptoms (whether it's prescribed or not) and if used sparingly in decreasing doses over a week or so can create a sort of landing pad when jumping off "real" opiates. Who needs a $500 doctor? I have the internet.

Yesterday I actually had a great day. At 830am we went over to that girl's house- yes, the girl who gets me the oxy. She's not a dealer, just a friend with the same habit who often buys for me while buying for herself. She had invited R and I over because she had her kid! They played at her house until 1130, then we went to a playground and ate while playing- it was freezing. The topic of oxy came up between the girl and I (I need to give her a name in here, so I'm gonna call her Jean which is nowhere near her real name), but she didn't have any money and I'm trying not to buy so talk about it is all we did. We smoked cigarettes and played with the kids. At 2pm, I went home so R and I could nap. We woke up at 5pm and played some more around the house since by then it was too cold to really go anywhere. We played "ball" with a plastic plum, it was sort of an amalgamation of every sport R has ever heard of because there was a bat involved, and kicking the ball into the net, and tackling, and "hike!" It was hilarious. Not being on oxy, even just 1 day, I felt so energetic and more able to play with her. God I love that kid.

Well, today is valentine's day, I already have a stupid text message from my "admirer" (who of course knows nothing of my habit). He wants to take me out tonight and do all the stupid cliche valentine's day crap with the red roses and the horrendously expensive prix-fixe menus and the champagne. Boring. We should go ride go-karts or something if he wants a date. None of this sentimental lovey-dovey v-day garbage. Really if he likes me, he should know me better than that.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

rules of detox

My daughter is asleep and my parents are out, so I have the house all to myself. I smoked the last 45mg of oxy, and am officially out of blues as well as cash! I spent the last of my on-hand cash on a bag of pot to help with the detox (both physical and psychological withdrawal symptoms are lessened with some good tree). Tomorrow I will take 1/8 of a suboxone (1mg) if I'm really hurting, I have 7mg to come off with so I must use them sparingly and take JUST enough to get barely straight. I don't know where to get more, and I'm not buying any more blues. NO MORE.

I have some "guidelines" for myself during this time which I'm sure will be quite rough- after all, I have been using moderate to high doses of oxycodone daily for 7 months. These are what I can come up with right now (I am pretty high, so they might need to be amended later).

1) I have no cash at all, and won't carry any cash. I can use my debit card for normal-people non-drug purchases (groceries, pull-ups, cigarettes, gas, coffee, etc) but I can't use it at the ATM or to get cash back.

2) To resist temptation, I will lock my debit card into my safe at night, put the safe under R's bed and put the key under her mattress (because I wouldn't wake her up over drug money, and even if I was shitty enough to do that, if I woke her up I'd have to stay with her anyway and wouldn't be able to go get high).

3) The debit card will not go with me to school- I don't need it. I can carry change for the soda machine (I have a huge change jar so I can take out of it every day for weeks with no issue, as I always carried cash while doing drugs and never dipped in) or in case I forget my bus pass. There's no way I'd be able to buy oxy with less than 2 bucks in quarters and dimes.

4) If I start using my debit during the day to get cash back or at the ATM, I must lock it in my safe all day and only bring it to the grocery store when I'm with my mom. I won't withdraw large amounts of cash in front of her, and the only things I really *need* to purchase are sold at the grocery store. I figure if I'm breaking my own rules to buy more drugs and screw up my detox, I don't deserve to have my card with me to buy nonfat lattes at Starbucks like a normal adult.

5) I'm allowed to smoke pot during the day to help my detox, but never while I'm with R- only when she's napping or at preschool.

6) I have deleted Dude's number from my phone, but not the other girl's number because our kids are friends. I can only call her on weekends to get the kids together, never for drugs. She is also a good person to talk to if I'm really struggling though, because she understands exactly what I'm going through and doesn't judge me or think I'm a bad mom just because I'm a secret junkie. She's out on bond and has her kid this weekend, so we might actually be getting the kids together tomorrow. I haven't told R yet because she is extremely unreliable and often doesn't show up or keep plans when drugs are not involved in said plans. I don't want to excite R by telling her she gets to see her little BFF when there's a 90% chance that it's not gonna happen.

7) Don't take the bad feelings from the detox out on R!!!!!!!

8) Eat healthy, drink plenty of water and caffeinated beverages, no uppers or heroin (not that I know where to get them), no booze, and suboxone sparingly!

kicking oxy next week!

I still have 2 of the 4 blues I bought night before last, and will make them last all of today and possibly through tomorrow. Then when they are gone (Sunday or Monday) I'm gonna start weaning off with the suboxone. Who the hell has time for rehab? Isn't that just AA meetings, suboxone, and a bed for hundreds of dollars a day? Well I have suboxone and a bed right here and there are AA meetings somewhere in DC I assume. And it won't cost me hundreds of dollars a day, cause me to drop out of school, or keep me away from my daughter. Not to mention I won't be surrounded with all sorts of other junkies! Seriously, who wants that? The more I learn about junkies, the more I dislike them (yes, I'm a hypocrite, who cares).

I just noticed I typed my city up there, and I'm gonna let that stand. Yes, I live in a suburb of Washington DC. I don't think saying that will reveal my identity. Find the suburban mom who cooks in DC who has a secret habit, right? It's like a very complicated Where's Waldo. I love my city as well as Baltimore (where I lived for the many years I didn't live with my parents). I have never lived anywhere other than the area surrounding DC and Bmore and don't feel the need to. I love it here! Right now it's freezing though, can't wait until the summer. Living so close to our nation's capital makes me more of a political activist, because these idiots are RIGHT HERE and you want to go yell at them all the time. I don't particularly feel like outing my political beliefs on here, I have a STRONG slant in one direction so I suppose it'll come out eventually just by writing. But I didn't start this blog to write about how I feel about universal healthcare or immigration. I started it to write about my life, my kid, my schooling, and my struggles.

So- kicking oxy should be fun. I'm looking forward to saying "I have 30 days clean", what a trip that will be. Today I'm taking R to a birthday party she's been invited to. I'm always apprehensive about taking her to birthday parties because there will be cake, sometimes ice cream, usually a snack like pizza or chips. She can't eat ANY of those things, and I don't want her to be sad. But she's surprisingly mature about it- I just need to bring her special cookies and she'll be fine.

Last night I accompanied my parents to a food festival, which was a lot of fun. R couldn't eat anything there (as usual) but I brought her a sandwich and a green-food bar (personally I don't understand how she can stomach those kale-packed horrors, but she loves them and they're incredibly nutritious so I keep giving them to her) and a fruit-leather that she calls "candy" so she was happy. R is always happy, seriously. She really enjoyed dancing to the music and banging thunder sticks together to make a loud noise. I was happy too because I got to eat shrimp scampi with garlic pesto penne, which I now want to attempt to reproduce. That stuff was orgasmically delicious. Did I just invent a word? Then I ate a piece of garlic bread which didn't taste very good, but I ate it anyway because I wanted to eat the rest of the sauce from my scampi. Less than half an hour later I was throwing up in the bathroom. I was on an appropriate amount of oxy (not enough to be high, not too little where I felt sick) so I really don't think it was that. After throwing up I felt a whole lot better so we hung out for another hour before coming home, where I went to bed with R instead of staying up and smoking an oxy like I'd intended to. That was how I woke up with 2 1/2 left instead of 1 1/2 or even worse, only 1.

Friday, February 11, 2011

one o'clock in the morning

I sent my one remaining dealer (I'll just call him Dude) a text message before I went to bed at 11, letting him know that I would like it if he came through either tonight or in the morning. Of course, I've been trying to get a hold of him for 2 days (both at night AND in the morning) so I didn't have very high expectations. I didn't blow up his phone, I didn't continue texting him, I just went into the room and went to sleep after Bones was over. I was awoken at 1am by the cellphone ringing- it was Dude and he was 5 minutes away. I stumbled out of bed, shuffled through my cash to find the appropriate amount to buy 4 blues, piled on 50 layers of clothing (I don't think it will give away my location to simply say that it's FREEZING where I live) and lurched half-asleep into the driveway to meet Dude. My dad was still awake, so I wonder if he suspects me. He could just think I was going out to smoke a cigarette, I doubt he thinks I'm "just getting trees" (they don't care about my marijuana smoking) because no one crawls out of bed to buy trees at 1 am. I get outside, and what a sketchbag, Dude is curled up in the backseat of his own truck whispering about cops. This is my last buy from this weirdo, I thought to myself as I handed over the cash and he handed over the drugs.

I get back inside, put the pills away, and lay back down in bed when I realize I can't get back to sleep. It had been 8 hours since my last dose. I could have probably made it through the night if I had stayed asleep (although I would have woken up just as sick as I did yesterday morning) but once I was awake, I was awake until I got well. So I had to sniff up a half, hiding in the corner of my room under the nightlight so nobody saw me. I have never felt more like a junky in my life than I did last night, shivering next to the nightlight at 1am, crushing up a piece of a pill so I could snort it and go back to sleep. That didn't make me feel good at all, well physically it helped quite a bit but not in any other way.

Being a junky is a real balancing act sometimes- enough drugs to feel good but not enough to get high and nod off, enough caffeine (nonfat lattes and Pepsi Max) to get through the day and counteract the drugs and suppress my appetite but not enough to get hyper and have my heart pounding, enough sleep to function but not too much to where I wake up in bad withdrawals. Throw weed and nicotine in there and I'm a damn mess (weed is only at night or on the way home from school though- I don't feel addicted to the weed because I don't obsess over it like I do the blues). The seesaw is perfectly balanced right now though... until I make some espresso.

I wanted to write about 2 things that were said in the comments here, as well as on other blogs where I have commented. One is the whole "underweight/emaciated" thing, and the other is the "bad parent" thing. Am I "underweight" or "emaciated"? Absolutely not! I will admit that since I started using drugs in August, I have lost over 40lbs. But that's not just because of the drugs, in fact one of the reasons I started using drugs to begin with is that I liked the way they completely killed my appetite. I started out my run fat. Not drastically so, but heavy enough to be worried because obesity does run in my family and I, at 5'1, was tipping the scales at 167lbs. It was mostly tied into the way I ate (as is the case with most fat people) because I didn't really exercise any restraint when it came to the foods I wanted and also because I cook and I cook well. Starting every dish I made with half a stick of organic butter was standard, and I always left room for dessert. Cream sauce, cheesecake, beurre blanc, pastries, muffins, chips with dip, candy, and cheese are my biggest weaknesses food-wise. I would just eat and eat and eat and then go out and buy bigger clothes and an even bigger bag of Cape Cod potato chips.

Being big didn't make me feel very good about myself, so I started a weight-loss regimen. I didn't want to go on a "diet" because that screams not only "restriction" but also "temporary". I didn't want to starve myself into losing 10lbs and then celebrate with a raspberry cheesecake like so many others in my family. So I started eating healthier, slurping down more caffeine (I'm afraid of real uppers or diet pills), and eating healthy snacks throughout the day so I didn't gorge myself at dinner. Breakfast is fruit and sometimes cereal, then throughout the day I eat fruit, granola bars, and the occasional pastry we make at school since I'm in the bakeshop now. Instead of eating 5 pastries though, I limit myself to 1 or 2 (depending on size and type). Dinner is when I make my beloved fattening foods, not every night but a couple nights a week. The other night we ate broiled fish with an all-fruit/veggie tomato sauce and whole-grain black rice, but the night before that it was cheese-filled whole-grain raviolis. Nothing wrong with cream sauce once in a while, if it's balanced out by my diet the rest of the day. It feels good to not have forbidden foods, and it's worked for me a lot.

Another reason I eat so healthy is because R has severe food restrictions. She has bloody diarrhea when she eats her "forbidden" foods, and since an allergy panel as well as several tests done by her doctor came back normal, I have figured it out myself by keeping her a food journal where I list everything she eats and drinks and all of her bowel movements (gross, but part of being a good mom in my case). The journal has worked wonders, and I now know exactly what foods she can't have without incident: uncooked milk (although she can eat yogurt, cheese, butter, and cooked dairy), soy protein/lecithin/flour, white flour (all she can have is whole grains), and any dish with a high fat content such as a fried item or my beloved cheesecake. That sounds terrible, but it's actually beneficial to both of us. I feed her extremely healthy meals, and that forces me to eat healthier myself because I don't want to be a hypocrite or make her cry by eating her forbidden foods right in front of her. Switching from white bread to sprouted-grain isn't that big of a change, nor is fettucine to whole-wheat spaghetti or milk to almond milk. I make her special cookies that only have 1tbsp of canola oil per 25 and 100% whole grain flour and oatmeal along with quite a bit of dried fruit, and she is happy with her diet.

This actually leads right into my other point- am I really a bad mommy because of the drug I use? Really and truly? I honestly don't think so. All the people who know nothing of my addiction praise me for being a loving, caring, and attentive mother to R and she is always so happy to be around me. A bad mother wouldn't make sure her sensitive toddler had cookies or fresh strawberry sorbet to eat for dessert (since ice cream, with it's uncooked cream and high fat content, is out of the question). A bad mother wouldn't search the school bakeshop for whole-wheat cake flour and fun cookie cutters on sugar-cookie day to make a small batch of R-safe cookies shaped (and frosted) like pink pigs in addition to all my other assignments that day. A bad mother wouldn't sit down and watch these horrible preschool cartoons with the kid just to have a chance to "cuddle-snuggle" as she says. A bad mother wouldn't take her kid for a jog when she felt sick to her stomach, or hell, keep a detailed food journal complete with poop inspections to spare the kid any pain or discomfort. I do all of these things, and a whole lot more. Are all of these things negated by ONE aspect of my life? Is everything I do for her meaningless because I choose to smoke oxy after R goes to sleep for the night and is safe and warm under her HOMEMADE quilt? It doesn't make any sense to say that.

I am a good mother. I've always been a good mother. I never used any drugs during my pregnancy (I did smoke cigarettes for the first 2 months before I found out about her existence, but I quit right after the EPT showed 2 lines) and I never have been high in front of her. I might use drugs while she is with me (NEVER in front of her, R has never seen any drugs) but I don't do enough to get high during the day. I do half the amount it takes to get high just to get "normal". It's like booze- there's nothing wrong with having a glass of wine while eating dinner with your kids (as long as you don't have to drive after). It's very different from chugging down the bottle and acting drunk right in their faces. R has never seen me nod out, or drive under the influence (I don't drive anyway, so that's not an issue with us), or be unable to function in any way because of my use. I shelter her, as a 2 1/2 year old should be sheltered. I'm a good mother with a personal problem that I don't allow to affect her. She couldn't ever find anyone else who loves her as much as I do. She's my R, and she's my universe. Drugs will always be after her on my list of priorities- not even second because school is second.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

a great my life

So my friend that gets my stuff for me got arrested today while I was at school. That could have been me, or hell she could have been scoring for me like the other day and it would have been my fault she got locked up. I just might have no choice but to quit, I'm not about to hit the mean streets of [my city] looking for a connect on the corner. I do know one other person, but he's thoroughly unreliable and I really don't want to base my day around wondering when (or if) he will ever show up. Screw that. I'm almost out, maybe I just won't buy any more. I haven't been doing even close to enough to get high since Sunday night anyway, I'm just maintaining and it's boring. 45mg today, up from yesterday.

Spent the day in class making pastries with fresh pate a choux, which I enjoyed. I'd enjoy that class a lot more if it wasn't for the screaming. My chef yells at everyone in such a high-pitched shrill voice and it echoes across the kitchen. I haven't been yelled at like that since boarding school. My entire class is in their 20s and 30s (except for one woman who has a son in his 20s) and none of us really appreciate being yelled at like children who just ran into the road. I wince every time she opens her mouth. It was generally a good day though, even though it was pouring when I went to catch the bus and I missed it because I was hiding out at Walmart trying to keep my stuff dry and had to call and get a ride home.

Tonight when I was putting R to sleep, she told me "Mama, I have a great my life". I have a kid this special, I guess I have a great my life too. God, I love that kid. She needs a bath the second she wakes up. Ah well, off to watch Bones while the kid is sleeping.


I needed to dose at 630am today, a personal worst. R woke me up at 6am and I couldn't even lay on the bed next to her and cuddle like we do every morning. I lasted all of 5 minutes before we got down off the bed and I gave her almond milk and raisins so I could go to the bathroom and sniff up a half. I wish it didn't have to be this way, I don't want to end up being one of those moms that I hear about from other people who spends their kids' food and diaper money on drugs and then lay around wasted while the kid is hungry and dirty. I make sure the important stuff gets taken care of first (those toddler pull-up pants cost a fortune) and only then can I buy drugs. If I only have $20 and R is out of her important foods, then I guess I'm not gonna feel very good because I won't spend her money. It doesn't seem right. This is another way I can justify my use to myself. "Well, at least I have my priorities in order. At least I'm not stealing. At least I'm not homeless (though that could change in an instant if I was outed). At least my daughter is happy. At least I'm doing well in school. At least I have my own money. At least I'm not sticking needles in myself (gross). At least no one knows- that's the most important one of all." But, I still get to wake up too sick to even lay in my own bed, I've still spent close to a grand in 2011 so far JUST on pills, I'm still not as happy as I could be.

I'm gonna come up on some money at the beginning of next month though, because my class all has to write 7-page papers and no one wants to do it. I've started asking if anyone wants me to write their papers instead and I have 3 takers so far. I'm charging by the grade I get for them- if they get a 100% on the paper I get $100, if they get a 90% I get $90, and if I get lower than a 70% (failing grade at my school) I get nothing because they aren't paying me to fail. I'm confident I can get 3 100% grades, as I am good at writing research papers. Not that you can tell from my writing here, but this is just more whatever garbage pops into my head and not a well thought-out research report. I also get my school stipend check from my scholarships sometime around the 28th, that will be close to $600. I also do online product testing which brings in a couple extra bucks here and there (gas and cigarette money, mostly). It's good to know I have some money coming in soon, as my supply is dwindling. I hit that ATM pretty hard, when I'm hurting.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

...and the day is over!

Update- I'm going to bed without having done any more oxy! Getting through the day with only 30mg is a big accomplishment for me with the way my habit has been lately. I've been browsing the internet looking for other addiction blogs, I commented on a few. It's crazy, my lil habit doesn't seem like much when stacked up against stories about prostitution for drugs, shooting heroin, and stealing thousands from parents to fund the habit. Is it a glimpse into my future?

i hate hate hate hate hate running out

So I couldn't score last night and was supposed to get some this morning, but that didn't come through. Dude texts me at 11am when I'm just getting in the car to leave for school to tell me that he slept late and will now be at work until 930. So I called my friend, one of the few who knows of my use since she does them herself, and she said she could come to my school, pick up my cash, and go get them for me and deliver at school after 3pm in exchange for one blue. I agreed to her terms because it was the soonest I figured I could get them and dropping them off at my school is quite convenient.

I didn't have any actual withdrawal symptoms in the morning, just the psychological addiction making me feel a general malaise because I knew I had no drugs and wouldn't get them for a while. But about 1230pm, while I was sitting in class, my symptoms went from "all in my head" to real. I was yawning, sneezing, not able to sit still, shivering in my long-sleeved chef's coat with my stomach twisting around and around. We had a tasting of the pies we made yesterday in the lab, and they all tasted terrible to me. About 1pm, my friend texts me- she's out of work early and wants to come by and pick up my cash. So I drop the money off with her and ask her to bring me back 3 blues and keep the 4th to herself.

The next hour of class was agony, my anxiety level was through the roof. I kept checking my cellphone, which angered my chef (instructor) since she gets annoyed when our electronic devices are used during her lecture. So I had to leave the room every time I got a text message just in case it was her telling me she was in the parking lot with my salvation. At about 2pm she came back and handed over my 3 blues, and I went directly to the bathroom and sniffed up a whole one (I generally do halves or quarters at once when I snort). I went directly back to class, where it took about 5 minutes for my withdrawal symptoms to go from real to a distant memory. I was expecting to get my head right, but I wasn't really expecting to get high so I was pleasantly surprised when I felt the warm buzzing in my head and familiar rush of energetic euphoria. It's amazing how addictive drugs work- you feel just awful, but the drug brings you back 150%.

I smoked a bowl on the way home from school, so right now (almost 6pm) I'm still feeling great. I'm going to attempt to make what I have last for 2 more days by not doing any more today and only doing 1 all day tomorrow, but I'm not sure if I can make it. I know that right after dinner I'm going to want another half, which means I have 1 1/2 left tomorrow which I'll definitely sniff right up.

Drug addiction really is a bitch- and hiding it isn't very fun either. I couldn't really hide how sick I felt for the first half of class, so I told my chef I had a migraine and told my fellow students that I was hung over. Drinking all night on a Tuesday night is seen as acceptable social behavior in this crowd, but not smoking oxycodone. I bet a lot of people at my school are secret junkies- and the people I'd never suspect. I wonder if anyone suspects me- I openly speak of my marijuana use (along with 90% of the school, including the chef instructors and the assistant Dean) but oxy is in a whole 'nother ballpark. Let's see if I can make it through the rest of the day with no oxy- sometimes just knowing I have some and can use whenever I want to is enough. But sometimes... well, sometimes it's not.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

don't tell anyone...

I wanted to start this blog so I can write about the reality of my life without any lies, stories, or pretenses. I've always kept a journal and been honest there if nowhere else, but the practice never failed to get me into trouble from childhood on. At this point in my life, I can't afford to lose what I have by outing myself and my habits, but the act of writing truthfully is cathartic. So here's my secret blog.

My name is SJ. I'm a white female in my 20s living in America. I'm currently living with my parents until I finish school and find a job. I'm a single mother to a 2 1/2 year old girl who I will call R. [To be honest, it's not going to be easy not typing her name, because I chose the most beautiful name I could think of for her, since a name is the first real gift you give your child. But anonymity is important for both of us- therefore, she is R.] I'm a Dean's List student at a local culinary school and I love food. I eat healthy and feed my daughter even healthier. I'm also a secret junky.

I started using oxycodone in April 2010 with my ex-boyfriend. I'd wait until my daughter went to bed at night, eat one 30mg roxicontin, smoke weed, and float away into space. By August, I was snorting them, selling them for someone else, and using daily. I guess I have an addictive personality. By the end of September I was alternating between smoking and snorting the blues (as they are colloquially known in my area) and had a full-fledged physical and psychological addiction. I've tried quitting, but didn't put much effort into my attempts (honesty! holy crap!) so I never managed to last longer than a few days, and even then only when using suboxone. I think I want to quit, I'm not quite sure if I'm happy or sad with the way my life is going. The only thing I'm 100% sure of lately is that I love my daughter and I'm happy with her. I doubt that will ever change.

Sunday is the first day I'll write about, I guess. I basically stayed in the kitchen all day making food for the super bowl, although I don't care in the slightest bit about the game and didn't even know who was playing until the day of. I made a large array of delicious snacks which I ate with my daughter while ignoring the television, which I enjoyed greatly. It reminds me, if just for a second, that there's more to my life than just baby and pills and weed. I also have my kitchen skills and passion. But then to remind me, my dude sends me a text asking if I needed any blues. I said yes, figuring he wouldn't be by until 10pm at the earliest and it wasn't quite 7pm then. He said he'd be over soon, so I put a coat and shoes on R and we jogged over to the ATM. She loves going for night runs when it's cold out, and we weren't in a huge hurry (to my dude, even "soon" means "in a couple hours") so I let her wander and see the plants and play with her gloves and all those little things that toddlers find so amusing.

I let her stay up late in anticipation of receiving a text from this dude letting me know that he was on his way. She was watching the halftime show anyway- she loves the Black Eyed Peas. My parents were both home, and they could keep an eye on her while I went right out front to his car to "smoke a cigarette". My parents know nothing of my extra-curricular activities and must be kept in the dark. But by 830, he hadn't hit me up so I went ahead and lay down with R in the bed and watched cartoons with her and gave her a back rub to put her to sleep. Sure enough, I get a text "I'll be there in 10." Crap. I lay with her until he calls to tell me he's right outside, tell R that I'll be right back and just watch the cartoon for a minute, and go outside to "answer my phone". I run to him, make the exchange, and am back in before 2 minutes are up. I return to our room and R is fast asleep- how cute. I kiss her, go back outside and sit in front of the garage, and proceed to get blitzed smoking 2 1/2 blues, which is 75mg of oxycodone, along with 2 bowls of high-quality tree. I'm not sure why I did that much. It's sort of a mystery to me at this point.

Yesterday morning I woke up without a trace of withdrawal symptoms, probably because I smoked such a ridiculous amount the night before. I wasn't worried about sickness because I still had 2 blues for the day. I always get nervous when I wake up knowing I don't have anything to keep me well. I bathed R and got myself ready for school. We were in the classroom that day since it was a Monday, which isn't very interesting. I just eat a lot of fruit and doodle in my book when we aren't actively taking notes. Fruit is one of the main ways I've lost 36 pounds recently. Well, that and drugs I suppose. But I started out a bit overweight, so my current weight is perfect for my height and frame- I don't look skinny or malnourished or strung out or anything. I sniffed half a blue before school and half a blue during school in the bathroom. I missed my ride to the bus stop closer to my house (I think he wasn't at school yesterday?) and also forgot my bus pass at home so I had to take the 20 bus all the way from school. My dad picked me up instead of having me transfer to the 4 bus because apparently R hadn't napped and was driving my mom crazy. I get home, hug R, sniff a quarter of a blue to give me energy, and start cooking.

I just bought a pasta machine, so I set out to make whole-grain cheese ravioli to go with the tomato sauce I'd cooked up the night before. I made up the dough and allowed R to help me feed it into the sheeter- she's such a good helper. We ate, played with blocks, and I put her to bed in a more leisurely manner than the night before. Dude showed up to serve me at about 1130pm and I got 2 to add to the half I still had left over. I went to sleep as soon as I scored them instead of immediately smoking one, which I was hoping I'd have the willpower to do.

Part of being a secret junky, also known as a "functioning addict", is making sure you always have enough to last until you can get more. Slurping down your whole stash quickly, making a late-night buy and using it all, going into withdrawal the next day, then scoring and getting wasted off all of it immediately, etc- these are behaviors I can't allow myself. I really like waking up with some, it satisfies the psychological addiction which I believe is the real problem. That's the part of my brain that creates imaginary physical symptoms when I know I don't have any more pills or am waiting for a delivery. I could have just used an hour ago, and the monkey on my back whispers in my ear that my nose is starting to run, my stomach is starting to turn, my head is starting to pound, and it can all be fixed with drugs. I can tell it's fake because the minute the blues are in my hand I feel perfectly fine. That monkey is a real pain in the ass.

Today was a preschool day for R, so I woke up and took her at about 845am. I came home and took a shower. I love taking a shower on R's preschool days because I can actually wash my hair as well as my body without hearing "Mama? You takin' a bath mama? I come in and find you soap?" or watching tiny hands throw open the curtain. Sometimes I skip showers on non-preschool mornings just because I hate rushing and I don't want her to slip and fall on the wet bathroom floor while attempting to enter the shower in her pajamas. Then I did a half because I hadn't gotten wasted the night before so the (possibly imaginary) withdrawal was raging. Then I went with my mom to the doctor's office so that we could go out for breakfast before school. I ate a couple salads with beets and cabbage and other healthy stuff with olive oil and rice vinegar on top instead of creamy dressing (all creamy dressings are mayonnaise, and mayo is gross). I did another half at 1130am before going to school, where we made fruit pies and fruit tarts. I'm looking forward to eating those tomorrow after they've had a chance to cool down.

My dad picked me up from school today since he was driving right by me about 10 minutes after my class let out. I got home at 445, did another half, and went to pick up R. A half doesn't get me high at all, it just gets me "normal" and energetic and focused and in a much better mood. The only time I actually get high is at night after R is asleep. I love that kid so much. We went to our favorite natural-foods store to pick up all the specialty ingredients we can't live without (R has severe digestive issues and instead of paying for expensive medical tests I just cut the foods I know affect her from her diet completely) like almond milk, organic muesli, kefir, robiola cheese, miso paste, raw green energy bars, and ground flaxseed. I made us grilled fontina on sprouted whole wheat bread for dinner, and put R to bed.

My pill dude originally told me he could come by around 11pm, but then changed his mind and said he was staying the night in a city about an hour away at a mutual friend's house. I smoked my last blue at about 9pm tonight, which means I'll wake up with fake withdrawal symptoms since I'll know I'm out. Sucks to be me, but that's all just part of being a junky, secret or otherwise. He says he can come by tomorrow morning before he goes to work and I go to school, but he's not the most reliable businessman so it's not exactly a sure thing. I really do hope he comes through or else I'm going to have to start quitting before I'm really ready to. I'm thinking it might be best if he doesn't and I start kicking (I do have a very small amount of suboxone to wean myself off with, but I don't want to waste it on a 2 day break). But of course I'm saying that now, when I'm still high. Let's see how I feel tomorrow morning.