Saturday, June 18, 2011

a job!!!!!

I finally got a job! I'm working in the kitchen in a hotel in downtown DC. This is really the best city in America, lots of jobs if you have a skill. Been going to meetings, haven't been using at all but I have a "planned relapse" when my stock market money  comes in on wednesday- $3500! First things first- gas up my ride, buy groceries for the week, buy R something special, buy some summer clothes for both of us. Then I got about $200 set aside for get high. Hooray for the stock market! Hooray for my job! Hooray for DC!

For those of you who like to project "your" addicts behavior onto me: here is a list of things that I've read about on these blogs, but that I've never done:
-gone to jail
-slept in the streets not by choice
-stolen from anyone, especially my family
-pawned someone elses jewelry or electronics
-screamed and cursed at my family (past age 16)
-been fired from a job, kicked out of school, or kicked out of anything really
-gone to rehabs detoxes and halfway houses
-spent all my food money on drugs
-blamed my family for my addiction
-"borrowed" anyones car without permission
-neglected my child to get high or because I was high
-left R with anyone to do anything besides go to work, school, or run necessary non-drug errands
-used someone else's credit or debit card without permission
-broken into anything (house or business)
-sold drugs to kids under 18
-shot up with a needle (gross)
-driven under the influence of drugs or alcohol
-physically abused my child or even had CPS know I exist

I am not your typical addict. I am responsible and I take care of my business. Please no projecting.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

secret junkys in NA? i can't hear you...

Been going to meetings lately, already finding reasons I don't like it. At first, I couldn't relate to anyone there because all these people talking about robbing houses and copping crack in west Baltimore just is so far from my world. I was thinking there was no one there more like me, a "functioning addict", who works for a living or goes to school and raises a kid and holds it together but still can't seem to put the stuff down. But then I started thinking- if there are people like me there, they're secret junkys too. They aren't gonna put their business on blast in front of a room filled with 50 scary looking crackheads (or recovering crackheads). It's kind of hard to speak up, I guess. I talked to a couple chicks and they were both, again, far from my world. One told me I should immediately go to detox and then move into some halfway house that she lived at in the middle of the ghetto "where you can live with your kid". THAT sounds like a safe environment for a well-adjusted, sweet, slightly spoiled, Caucasian 2-year-old girl... not. I need to find someone there who I can relate to, another secret junky. I just don't know how to sniff these people out. I think I know about one woman, not sure but she's got all the junky tells. She's another mom at the preschool where my kid goes. Real expensive clothes, nice car, tiny pupils. I couldn't really say why, but she seems like a secret junky to me. I wonder if she can smell it on me. We only know each other to say hi how's the weather at the school or birthday parties.