tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32920870857408325862024-02-08T06:38:24.991-08:00Shhhh.... don't tellNo track marks, street corners, or pawning stolen merch, but a junky just the same..SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01670200967450268527noreply@blogger.comBlogger41125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3292087085740832586.post-38655960969476851092012-02-23T21:15:00.002-08:002012-02-23T21:15:07.332-08:00ummmmmmmBarely holding on, not sure how this happened. I quit pills a few months ago. I just like coke.SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01670200967450268527noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3292087085740832586.post-17225513666929567402011-12-04T21:16:00.000-08:002011-12-04T21:16:13.867-08:00back on oxyI'm happier this way all around. It's easier. I have suboxone so I don't use every day and I'm not stuck in the daily grind of needing to get some. My job is going awesome and am getting a lot of hours. Winter and Christmas coming up, already bought the kid quite a few presents. Tried a new drug, well new for me, coke. Liked it a lot, I guess who doesn't, not doing it unless it's free.SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01670200967450268527noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3292087085740832586.post-2570190643975753612011-07-25T19:42:00.000-07:002011-07-25T19:42:17.235-07:00...Off the suboxone finally. Don't much like it, losing my safety net. Losing a lot of weight.SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01670200967450268527noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3292087085740832586.post-38553129161822035922011-06-18T04:28:00.000-07:002011-06-18T04:40:59.268-07:00a job!!!!!I finally got a job! I'm working in the kitchen in a hotel in downtown DC. This is really the best city in America, lots of jobs if you have a skill. Been going to meetings, haven't been using at all but I have a "planned relapse" when my stock market money comes in on wednesday- $3500! First things first- gas up my ride, buy groceries for the week, buy R something special, buy some summer clothes for both of us. Then I got about $200 set aside for get high. Hooray for the stock market! Hooray for my job! Hooray for DC!<br />
<br />
For those of you who like to project "your" addicts behavior onto me: here is a list of things that I've read about on these blogs, but that I've never done: <br />
-gone to jail<br />
-slept in the streets not by choice<br />
-stolen from anyone, especially my family<br />
-pawned someone elses jewelry or electronics <br />
-screamed and cursed at my family (past age 16)<br />
-been fired from a job, kicked out of school, or kicked out of anything really<br />
-gone to rehabs detoxes and halfway houses<br />
-spent all my food money on drugs<br />
-blamed my family for my addiction<br />
-"borrowed" anyones car without permission<br />
-neglected my child to get high or because I was high<br />
-left R with anyone to do anything besides go to work, school, or run necessary non-drug errands<br />
-used someone else's credit or debit card without permission<br />
-broken into anything (house or business)<br />
-sold drugs to kids under 18<br />
-shot up with a needle (gross)<br />
-driven under the influence of drugs or alcohol<br />
-physically abused my child or even had CPS know I exist<br />
<br />
I am not your typical addict. I am responsible and I take care of my business. Please no projecting.SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01670200967450268527noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3292087085740832586.post-32352754011204221112011-06-11T18:37:00.000-07:002011-06-11T18:37:04.001-07:00secret junkys in NA? i can't hear you...Been going to meetings lately, already finding reasons I don't like it. At first, I couldn't relate to anyone there because all these people talking about robbing houses and copping crack in west Baltimore just is so far from my world. I was thinking there was no one there more like me, a "functioning addict", who works for a living or goes to school and raises a kid and holds it together but still can't seem to put the stuff down. But then I started thinking- if there are people like me there, they're secret junkys too. They aren't gonna put their business on blast in front of a room filled with 50 scary looking crackheads (or recovering crackheads). It's kind of hard to speak up, I guess. I talked to a couple chicks and they were both, again, far from my world. One told me I should immediately go to detox and then move into some halfway house that she lived at in the middle of the ghetto "where you can live with your kid". THAT sounds like a safe environment for a well-adjusted, sweet, slightly spoiled, Caucasian 2-year-old girl... not. I need to find someone there who I can relate to, another secret junky. I just don't know how to sniff these people out. I think I know about one woman, not sure but she's got all the junky tells. She's another mom at the preschool where my kid goes. Real expensive clothes, nice car, tiny pupils. I couldn't really say why, but she seems like a secret junky to me. I wonder if she can smell it on me. We only know each other to say hi how's the weather at the school or birthday parties.SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01670200967450268527noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3292087085740832586.post-2779476710169081772011-05-30T07:32:00.000-07:002011-05-30T07:32:22.110-07:00memorial dayI love patriotic holidays in downtown DC. We spent the morning watching the festivities and having a picnic at the mall. Haven't taken any suboxone yesterday or today, so I'm feeling pretty bad, gonna dose .5mg (1/16 of a pill) at noon and hopefully that will get me right. I'm almost out of the subs, if I can't jump off soon I'm gonna have to go back to the suboxone doctor for another script which will cost some of the money that I've put aside for the apartment that R and I (and a roommate and her kid) are moving into within the month! That sweet baby R is so special, I can't wait to get our own place so I need to not go back to the sub doctor and instead save that cash.<br />
<br />
My friend who robbed me has paid me back $20 of what she took, and is now in detox. Hope she finds what she is looking for. As I understand it, she goes to detox whenever people get really pissed off at her and then thinks everyone should treat her better because of it. Whatever. I can't see myself stealing from friends and family, even if I do get worse in my addiction. That is low, low, low and it's not my style. I don't necessarily believe that every drug addict will steal- although I will agree that a junky is more likely to. My brother is a drug addict, and he's never taken anything of mine or my parents. It all comes down to who you are as a person, drugs can't change your core values that much. I dunno, I feel like I've been on opiates forever, I don't even remember my carefree life before R, or even with her as an infant when I didn't use anything, it's summer again which means I'm almost one year on this merry-go-round of addiction. A year! Not bad. Not buying any stuff today, even if the girl comes over.SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01670200967450268527noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3292087085740832586.post-83615418182208899882011-05-27T05:16:00.000-07:002011-05-27T05:16:45.924-07:00thieves are the worstbeen using oxy for the last 4 days, culminating in trying heroin for the first time last night. After all the horror stories I've heard about sticky black tar that you have to shoot in yourself and romantic stories about falling in love from the first time, it was quite uneventful. It was a little bag of brown powder that I could sniff just like the oxy, made me really sleepy and nauseous. I don't like it- the oxy at least gives me energy and assists in me having fun or taking care of my business. All that stuff seemed to do was make me useless and numb. I guess I can see the appeal, if one doesn't have a job or school or a little kid or bills to pay or anything to do her whole life. I prefer drugs that are useful. I've locked up the rest of my funds (which is supposed to have been locked up, I got a surprise check from the scholarship office and thats where the last 4 days came from, I didn't cut into R's money) and am not going to do anything today. Never realized how easy it is to get heroin in DC, it's really everywhere and I didn't notice. I have a car now, just got it day before yesterday, it's kind of old but it runs! Now I don't have to take the metro just to get to work and school and I can actually drive my own kid around. Very excited about that.<br />
<br />
The girl I use with stole from me. It hurt me pretty bad, because I thought we weren't like that. Being a drug addict is no excuse to steal from friends and family (or anyone, really). I think if I became a "real junkie" (as in, no job no house no custody of kid no money) I'd rather be a prostitute than steal from people. I stole ten dollars from my dad when I was 15, to buy cigarettes and beer. Felt terrible about it until I confessed and paid him back 2 months later. I don't know how people live with that on their conscence. Especially from people they supposedly care about.<br />
<br />
I'm making progress. I'm glad I used, it gave me a sense of perspective- it really wasn't worth all the trouble it caused me this weekend and getting ripped off for 80 bucks while I slept she went through my pants. I love the word progress because it's flexible, like me. Going to downtown today, maybe take R to the mall and see all the touristy parts of my beloved city. Lincoln Memorial, anyone?SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01670200967450268527noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3292087085740832586.post-1647921095435614292011-05-06T17:34:00.000-07:002011-05-06T17:34:52.593-07:00still clean, pretty muchSomething between 3 weeks and a month clean. I'm not counting days. I'm down to itty-bitty crumbs of suboxone per day. I don't know what each dose actually is, but here's my routine. I take a half a suboxone (4mg) and break it into 10 pieces. Then each piece is a day's worth of doses, lately it's been a day and a half's worth of doses. Been smoking less weed, drinking some but always "professionally" and responsibly. My parents are gone for the next 2 weeks so it's just me and R in the house, with my mom's car (I just paid off my drivers license so I can get to school and work, etc) and a house full of groceries. Lots of cravings to buy oxy one of these nights after R is asleep, because I can just smoke them out on the back porch and don't have to worry about getting caught. Not going to do it. One day at a time. I should be totally off the suboxone by the end of this month, progress. I don't care if no one likes this. Progress is an underused term in 12-step lingo, with more focus on "clean" vs "using". I've made tons of progress and I'm proud of me. Got a new awesome job! No more opiate slavery for me.SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01670200967450268527noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3292087085740832586.post-74634339510792024722011-03-26T05:38:00.001-07:002011-03-26T05:38:06.832-07:002day 2 againSJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01670200967450268527noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3292087085740832586.post-31517688047835616332011-03-24T19:46:00.000-07:002011-03-24T19:46:43.257-07:00starting over tomorrowHad a great time today in spite of it all. Got high in a parking lot, hung out with Jean listening to music, took a nap to sober up, made some delicious food, picked up R and went to the park, baked her a cake and presented it to her, put her to bed, now I'm going to bed. Tomorrow I'm back on the subs and I can try again. I still went 2 weeks, which is the longest I've ever been without. I didn't lose that time- no matter what happened today I still was able to accomplish that. I bet I can go longer this time- it wasn't worth it so I don't want to do it again. Wasn't as fun as I remember. Tomorrow is a new day!SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01670200967450268527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3292087085740832586.post-41904811302430100142011-03-24T06:15:00.000-07:002011-03-24T06:15:44.291-07:00...Shit-talkers prepare your keyboards- I'm about to go get some oxy with Jean. R is at preschool and I have nothing to do all day. Skipped my suboxone. I hope I at least enjoy it.SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01670200967450268527noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3292087085740832586.post-58577803784093529532011-03-21T19:30:00.000-07:002011-03-21T19:30:00.840-07:00happyHaving a hard time at 2mg, went up to 2 1/2mg per day, split up into 2 doses. Still no blues. Wanted to get some night before last but Dude texted me a ridiculous price so I said screw it. I'd like to think I would have said screw it either way, but regardless of that I didn't get any. 14 days tomorrow.<br />
<br />
I'm nearly done with college and searching for a part time job during my last semester. I can work full time after I graduate, but I need some more money. Today was the first "school day" of my break and I spent it with R riding the metro and wandering around DC. We live in the best city in America. Had a nice lunch and played outside. Had a lazy dinner- avocado-lime egg salad and pb+j for the kid, side of chips and grapes. Happy.SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01670200967450268527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3292087085740832586.post-32990785430577580092011-03-19T12:26:00.000-07:002011-03-19T12:26:09.893-07:00day eleven!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!OMG I have 11 days off oxy!!!! This is huge for me, I'm so happy and I'm feeling great. Jumping from 3mg of suboxone to 2mg was difficult, but I did it day before yesterday finally. My taper is a little off track because of that and it will take a little longer than expected. But I've dropped my suboxone dose by HALF and am not even craving the oxy anymore. My relationship with my daughter is improving because she can see how happy I am. Hooray for me.SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01670200967450268527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3292087085740832586.post-23384498640378335522011-03-14T07:11:00.000-07:002011-03-14T07:12:15.087-07:00clarificationSo, my last post sounded mean. My bad. I understand that no one was speaking out of malice, just a wee bit of ignorance. What you thought was a half-hearted attempt at quitting all drugs is actually a 100% attempt at tapering off opiates. I understand how that could be confusing to those entrenched in the 12 step culture, where no drugs = good and any drugs = bad. I drink herbal tea to soothe my stomach and calm me down too (chamomile, ginger, etc). I also enjoy spicy foods for the rush (capcasin is a natural stimulant) and drink coffee and soda. MIND ALTERING DRUGS!!!! But seriously, just because people have an addiction problem in common doesn't mean they have EVERYTHING in common. That is why the one-size-fits-all NA approach simply doesn't work for everyone. No question it works for many. I don't like the intolerant exclusivity. And I really hate that c word.<br />
<br />
And yes, my parents know about the weed. They don't care as long as I don't smoke inside or in front of them or R (which I don't). They see my actions rather than seeing my situation in black-and-white terms. Good thing they aren't 12 steppers or I might really be in trouble!SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01670200967450268527noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3292087085740832586.post-56890747692228796822011-03-14T05:34:00.000-07:002011-03-14T05:34:53.225-07:00you don't have to use the c word...I think a lot of folks are misunderstanding me. When I said that I wanted to get off blues, they must have heard "I want to do everything that NA says." Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. My goal at the moment is *not* NA-approved squeaky clean off everything and working the little steps and surrendering everything I've worked so hard for. Okay? It simply isn't. My goal at the moment is <b>BREAKING THE PHYSICAL ADDICTION TO OXYCODONE</b>. Anything else... well, it's just what total strangers think is best for me. I'm doing better now than I have since I started, and all I get, both from this blog and at meetings, is "you aren't really clean" "you're doing it wrong" "suboxone is cheating" "you need to do things my way" "your program is different than mine" and my personal least favorite, "NA IS THE ONLY THING THAT WORKS". I'm sorry, but what a load of crap. I've known folks to quit drugs without ever taking one of the 12 steps. Maintenance to detox? Religious conversion? Pregnancy? That works if you work it too. NA is one of many tools that addicts have. It's not the end-all of recovery that all drug addicts must emulate or perish. That just sounds too holier than thou. I am in recovery! Maybe not in NA-approved recovery, but I'm getting better. I'm feeling happier and I'm saving money and this is my 6th day without oxycodone in a row. Maybe that's just "stupid" and "non-NA" to everyone else because I'm taking suboxone and smoking weed but it means a hell of a lot to me. My biggest issue with NA so far is that the people are divided into 2 camps- USING and CLEAN. I suppose the USING group is "dirty." And that's it, you are either with us or you are against us. Circumstances mean nothing. If a man who smoked crack for 15 years completely gets off the blow, gets a job, gets an apartment, gains 10 pounds and then drinks a beer with his buddies after work, he's USING. Basically takes a large crap on all your accomplishments in favor of "the NA way", which of course isn't right for everyone. There is no set of rules out there that is right for everyone. I may be in the opposing camp (dirrrrty dirrrrty USER) but at least I'm helping myself. <br />
<br />
So if anyone has any tips that will help me BREAK THE PHYSICAL ADDICTION TO OPIATES, please don't keep it to yourself. But if anyone has tips to inform me HOW TO DO IT YOUR WAY... well, I really couldn't care less. Maybe once I break the physical addiction, I can quit everything else. Maybe. If I want to. Not if someone else wants me to, but if I WANT TO. I have been smoking weed since I was 13 years old with absolutely no ill effects, but I forgot that strangers know better than I do. Because I'm obviously in denial- the sort of infuriating accusation you can't respond to in any way but placid agreement.<br />
<br />
<br />
So... 6 days off oxycodone! From now on, this blog will NOT tolerate use of the word "clean" to mean anything but not covered in dirt. It is offensive slang to me, and in the same way that I don't use the f-word, I will not be using the c-word.SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01670200967450268527noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3292087085740832586.post-67263247300368216652011-03-12T18:32:00.000-08:002011-03-12T18:32:38.256-08:00one problem on top of another?I've seen people when they get off drugs, and they always get fat. Maybe that's it. I was never really big, 15 extra pounds at most, but since starting the blues I have been thin and beautiful. As a chef and a baker, I could never really pull off "emaciated" since I ate constantly. The blues gave me "the munchies" and the energy and desire to cook, so I'd always come up with something delicious. So how does taking pills that make me want to eat alfredo sauces and Italian cheesecake make me LOSE weight? It doesn't make a lick of sense. I'm actually eating less being on suboxone (especially today with the stims), but I think that's just my body getting used to a new drug and the absence of the one its used to, added to the removal of the munchie effect from the blues. Once I'm "normal" again, will I start gaining weight? Ag, that would be horrible. Being a cute, thin girl is an easier way to go through life than a girl who is 10-15 pounds overweight. I love being thin and beautiful. What is this, some sort of eating disorder I didn't know I had? I *am* pretty obsessed with food, but in the "learn how to fix a broken butter sauce" type of way, not in the "if I only eat celery all day, I won't have to purge until after dessert" sort of way. I don't know if I could be anorexic on account of I love to eat, that's a non-issue. Bulimic? Sounds gross, bulimics aren't thin and beautiful, they're Kiera Knightley thin and look ready to fall over and die at any moment. No, if I really developed an eating disorder I'd probably just take drugs. Damn. Well the good news is, it's just about my bedtime. I have no plans to score blues, I have no cash even if I did have plans to score blues, and since I am alone with my daughter tonight I can't (and wouldn't) leave to go get anything. I honestly don't even have a taste for them at the moment. I'm in a slight amount of withdrawal, counteracted by the vyvanse. I start getting sick at night so far, I just have to get my body used to the 3mg dose before dropping it next week. Pot helps, as does going to bed early. But even with the sniffles and cramping stomach and goosebumpy skin (compounded by the fact that it's 45 degrees outside), I'm not craving blues. Honestly, that's huge for me right there. I just hope I stay thin- I've actually lost 4 pounds since starting suboxone.SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01670200967450268527noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3292087085740832586.post-17764856256342498592011-03-12T05:17:00.000-08:002011-03-12T05:17:47.408-08:00day 4!I haven't been this long without oxycodone since I started using. I am very proud of myself. Today, tomorrow and the next day I'll be continuing taking 3mg of suboxone, then Tuesday I drop to 2mg. For a little boost of energy, I've also taken Vyvanse today (lisodexamphetamine). I am not doing 100% great, but much better than I have in a long time. Hooray for being on the road to sobriety!SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01670200967450268527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3292087085740832586.post-15210528755206327682011-03-10T16:28:00.001-08:002011-03-10T16:28:05.995-08:00suboxone day two...Doing great still. 3mg today.SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01670200967450268527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3292087085740832586.post-15931955032652712202011-03-09T16:38:00.000-08:002011-03-09T16:38:21.271-08:00suboxone day one...Went to the suboxone doctor today my brother took me at 9am after I told my mom I had to be at school early. I got into this on my own, and that's how I have to get out of it. No crying to mommy and daddy to solve my problems for me. He had to leave immediately, and I chose the *one day* of the week that the clinic opened at 11am instead of 9. So, I waited for 2 hours. No excuses- I ran out a while ago. They dosed me with 4mg and then wrote me a week's worth of 12mg per day. Since I take 1-2mg per day (and plan on starting my taper at 3mg tomorrow) this should last me long enough to not have to go back next week for a dosage drop to 10mg. I've heard that suboxone doctors are famous for overprescribing and that "less is more" with buprenorphine drugs like suboxone. 4mg was far too much- I was high by the time I got to school at 130pm (by taxi, no less). The high has seemed to increase instead of decreasing as the day has gone by. We reviewed for the final practical exam today at school. Nothing I don't already know how to do.<br />
<br />
I think this is going to work, my little suboxone taper with 11 1/2 pills in my possession. I hope so- I miss being clean. I didn't really appreciate it when I was. Probably because I didn't know what addiction was, I just smoked pot sometimes and didn't *need* it. Oxycodone is different. I'm so excited to have my script and no more excuses! Has anyone ever been this excited to STOP using drugs? Hooray!SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01670200967450268527noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3292087085740832586.post-72748529446396542272011-03-09T04:08:00.001-08:002011-03-09T04:08:41.750-08:00a scriptI'm seeing the suboxone doctor today at 9am!SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01670200967450268527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3292087085740832586.post-5070666562455793552011-03-02T18:52:00.000-08:002011-03-02T18:52:56.855-08:00outing myself to someoneSmoked a half of one today after school. I couldn't take the withdrawal anymore. After hours of consideration, I outed myself to my brother, who knows of my pot usage and was one of the few that knew I used oxy "every once in a while" but of course didn't know I was addicted or that I used every day. He will be visiting for about a week soon, so he is going to take me to an outpatient detox that I have researched so I can get a script for suboxone from an actual doctor. I'd be able to quit using suboxone if I had enough, but I can't seem to find any on the black market so I need to get a prescription. He is willing to take me to pick it up.<br />
<br />
I was so afraid (and a bit ashamed) to tell him about my struggles, and he astonished me with his response: he's having trouble with pills as well. Different pills, but still- we have more in common than I thought. He told me no one knows except for his 2 dealers and now me. Amazing. The biggest difference is that he doesn't have any kids and is only responsible for himself. We can support each other, but he lives 7 hours away so it will have to be over the phone and internet for the most part because he only makes it to DC every other month or so. This detox center will be good for me- between that and the meetings I've been going to, I should be able to kick this crap for good. I can't wait! I'm going to maintain on the LOWEST POSSIBLE DOSE until then, just enough to keep me able to take care of my business and of course my beautiful daughter. I don't even want to smoke or get high anymore, I really don't. I'm so over it, I just want to be normal and not have to expend so much mental energy on the acquisition and concealment of these horrific blues!<br />
<br />
Today, only 15mg. I'll do the same amount tomorrow only if I really need to, I'm hoping on not dosing at all until at least after school. I just want to do right by R. I cry sometimes because I just want her to be happy, that's all I really want. Everything else in my life takes a backseat to her happiness. I hate being a secret junky. Only a week and 2 days until I get my prescription! Until then, meetings and maintenance. With my brother at my side, I know I can do it.<br />
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In non-secret-junky news, R's little half-brother was born today! No, I was not pregnant, it's R's father's baby with his girlfriend of over a year. On this blog, I'll call him Matt since that's nowhere near his name. I can't wait until the girlfriend and child are discharged so R and I can come over and see him! I've seen one picture on facebook, he's a little wrinkled bundle. Looks nothing like R, looks a lot more like his mother, adorable though. I'm really excited for them, and R has seen the pic and since then has been yammering about "my baby brudder, he's brand new mama, I big girl sister, I hug baby [Matt], he's a little baby, very funny and cute, I so happy". God I love it when she says she's happy.SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01670200967450268527noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3292087085740832586.post-40406380463571510272011-03-02T03:38:00.001-08:002011-03-02T03:38:21.091-08:00still cleanIt hurts.SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01670200967450268527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3292087085740832586.post-32580955129546602482011-03-01T04:11:00.000-08:002011-03-01T04:11:41.755-08:00day 2 no oxyI'm sick, I'm covered in sweat and I didn't sleep all last night. But I haven't taken anything all of yesterday! I just took 1mg of suboxone at 644am and am waiting for that to give me some relief.SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01670200967450268527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3292087085740832586.post-54423836567820302892011-02-27T17:05:00.000-08:002011-02-27T17:05:06.854-08:00stop the hate pleaseI didn't start this blog to be insulted and called a bad mother. I started this blog to make sense of my feelings and my addiction without being hated on or discriminated against. If it's a "disease" like the commenters claim, then why the hate? To use one commenter's analogy, you wouldn't call a cancer patient a bad mother for having cancer. It's just rude is what it is. I don't spew hatred and judgement on any other blogs. Why the disdain for lil SJ? Does anyone believe they are helping in any way by calling me a bad mother while not knowing anything about me besides less than a month of very selective excerpts from my life? Didn't anyone's mother ever teach them that if they didn't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?<br />
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I'm not living with my parents because I'm on drugs, I'm living with my parents so I can finish college. I'm not the only college student to ever do this, I reckon, especially since I'm a single mother. And my daughter's father was a sweet, loving, caring (so I thought) non-addict who deserted us as soon as she was born. She sees him every other Friday and he pays child support. He has another girlfriend and another child now, and I don't want to force sweet little R on anyone. I want the people in her life to WANT to spend time with her and to love her without anyone making them. I don't want R to be a burden on anyone. She's too special for that.<br />
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Please stop with the negativity. It's unhelpful at best and cruel at worst.SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01670200967450268527noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3292087085740832586.post-76870945280214212092011-02-26T20:16:00.000-08:002011-02-26T20:16:37.351-08:00too high to typeI am so scared that I'm going to be found out, that I'm not going to be able to stop, that I'm going to lose R. I can't lose R, she is my entire universe. There are only 2 things in the world that makes this junky really, truly happy and satisfied. The first (and foremost) is R- she's the light of my life. Having our picnic breakfast every morning is my happiest part of the day. We just bundle up and sit on the driveway on a blanket, and I make a platter with a large sandwich cut into little bite-sized circles and a bowl of yogurt and different types of fruit- blueberries, strawberries, apple slices, tangerine, starfruit, kiwi, etc. Then we fill up a large cup of water or occasionally juice and we bring the whole thing outside to eat. We stay out there chatting and playing for an hour sometimes. The only other thing that makes me happy is cooking- when I'm in the kitchen (just like when I'm with R) I don't think about getting high. I can forget for a while that I'm a junky because I have other important things in my life. Things MORE important to me than getting high.<br />
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But the fact remains, I am scared. I earned some money just to spend on blues an d I am so incredibly high right now that I can barely see the words on the screen. I usually don't make typos so hopefully this will turn out legibly. My fingers might be clumsy too though, so who knows. Jean is my friend, a real friend, I've known her since way before the drugs. She is also my main connection for oxy, and I have asked her, as a friend, to not get anything for me. To completely cut me off to oxy and refuse to get me any. She has agreed, I now need to ask Dude the same thing. I hope she follows through. I'm NOT BUYING ANY MORE. I'm going to a meeting with R tomorrow morning, I'm gonna get a sponsor or at least someone to talk to that can talk me out of things, I'm gonna finish up what I have and then not buy any more. I need to stop spending money almost as much as I need to quit doing blues. I'm so incredibly blitzed right now, I don't even know if this makes any sense.SJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01670200967450268527noreply@blogger.com4