Thursday, March 24, 2011

starting over tomorrow

Had a great time today in spite of it all. Got high in a parking lot, hung out with Jean listening to music, took a nap to sober up, made some delicious food, picked up R and went to the park, baked her a cake and presented it to her, put her to bed, now I'm going to bed. Tomorrow I'm back on the subs and I can try again. I still went 2 weeks, which is the longest I've ever been without. I didn't lose that time- no matter what happened today I still was able to accomplish that. I bet I can go longer this time- it wasn't worth it so I don't want to do it again. Wasn't as fun as I remember. Tomorrow is a new day!


Shit-talkers prepare your keyboards- I'm about to go get some oxy with Jean. R is at preschool and I have nothing to do all day. Skipped my suboxone. I hope I at least enjoy it.

Monday, March 21, 2011


Having a hard time at 2mg, went up to 2 1/2mg per day, split up into 2 doses. Still no blues. Wanted to get some night before last but Dude texted me a ridiculous price so I said screw it. I'd like to think I would have said screw it either way, but regardless of that I didn't get any. 14 days tomorrow.

I'm nearly done with college and searching for a part time job during my last semester. I can work full time after I graduate, but I need some more money. Today was the first "school day" of my break and I spent it with R riding the metro and wandering around DC. We live in the best city in America. Had a nice lunch and played outside. Had a lazy dinner- avocado-lime egg salad and pb+j for the kid, side of chips and grapes. Happy.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

day eleven!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG I have 11 days off oxy!!!! This is huge for me, I'm so happy and I'm feeling great. Jumping from 3mg of suboxone to 2mg was difficult, but I did it day before yesterday finally. My taper is a little off track because of that and it will take a little longer than expected. But I've dropped my suboxone dose by HALF and am not even craving the oxy anymore. My relationship with my daughter is improving because she can see how happy I am. Hooray for me.

Monday, March 14, 2011


So, my last post sounded mean. My bad. I understand that no one was speaking out of malice, just a wee bit of ignorance. What you thought was a half-hearted attempt at quitting all drugs is actually a 100% attempt at tapering off opiates. I understand how that could be confusing to those entrenched in the 12 step culture, where no drugs = good and any drugs = bad. I drink herbal tea to soothe my stomach and calm me down too (chamomile, ginger, etc). I also enjoy spicy foods for the rush (capcasin is a natural stimulant) and drink coffee and soda. MIND ALTERING DRUGS!!!! But seriously, just because people have an addiction problem in common doesn't mean they have EVERYTHING in common. That is why the one-size-fits-all NA approach simply doesn't work for everyone. No question it works for many. I don't like the intolerant exclusivity. And I really hate that c word.

And yes, my parents know about the weed. They don't care as long as I don't smoke inside or in front of them or R (which I don't). They see my actions rather than seeing my situation in black-and-white terms. Good thing they aren't 12 steppers or I might really be in trouble!

you don't have to use the c word...

I think a lot of folks are misunderstanding me. When I said that I wanted to get off blues, they must have heard "I want to do everything that NA says." Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. My goal at the moment is *not* NA-approved squeaky clean off everything and working the little steps and surrendering everything I've worked so hard for. Okay? It simply isn't. My goal at the moment is BREAKING THE PHYSICAL ADDICTION TO OXYCODONE. Anything else... well, it's just what total strangers think is best for me. I'm doing better now than I have since I started, and all I get, both from this blog and at meetings, is "you aren't really clean" "you're doing it wrong" "suboxone is cheating" "you need to do things my way" "your program is different than mine" and my personal least favorite, "NA IS THE ONLY THING THAT WORKS". I'm sorry, but what a load of crap. I've known folks to quit drugs without ever taking one of the 12 steps. Maintenance to detox? Religious conversion? Pregnancy? That works if you work it too. NA is one of many tools that addicts have. It's not the end-all of recovery that all drug addicts must emulate or perish. That just sounds too holier than thou. I am in recovery! Maybe not in NA-approved recovery, but I'm getting better. I'm feeling happier and I'm saving money and this is my 6th day without oxycodone in a row. Maybe that's just "stupid" and "non-NA" to everyone else because I'm taking suboxone and smoking weed but it means a hell of a lot to me. My biggest issue with NA so far is that the people are divided into 2 camps- USING and CLEAN. I suppose the USING group is "dirty." And that's it, you are either with us or you are against us. Circumstances mean nothing. If a man who smoked crack for 15 years completely gets off the blow, gets a job, gets an apartment, gains 10 pounds and then drinks a beer with his buddies after work, he's USING. Basically takes a large crap on all your accomplishments in favor of "the NA way", which of course isn't right for everyone. There is no set of rules out there that is right for everyone. I may be in the opposing camp (dirrrrty dirrrrty USER) but at least I'm helping myself.

So if anyone has any tips that will help me BREAK THE PHYSICAL ADDICTION TO OPIATES, please don't keep it to yourself. But if anyone has tips to inform me HOW TO DO IT YOUR WAY... well, I really couldn't care less. Maybe once I break the physical addiction, I can quit everything else. Maybe. If I want to. Not if someone else wants me to, but if I WANT TO. I have been smoking weed since I was 13 years old with absolutely no ill effects, but I forgot that strangers know better than I do. Because I'm obviously in denial- the sort of infuriating accusation you can't respond to in any way but placid agreement.

So... 6 days off oxycodone! From now on, this blog will NOT tolerate use of the word "clean" to mean anything but not covered in dirt. It is offensive slang to me, and in the same way that I don't use the f-word, I will not be using the c-word.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

one problem on top of another?

I've seen people when they get off drugs, and they always get fat. Maybe that's it. I was never really big, 15 extra pounds at most, but since starting the blues I have been thin and beautiful. As a chef and a baker, I could never really pull off "emaciated" since I ate constantly. The blues gave me "the munchies" and the energy and desire to cook, so I'd always come up with something delicious. So how does taking pills that make me want to eat alfredo sauces and Italian cheesecake make me LOSE weight? It doesn't make a lick of sense. I'm actually eating less being on suboxone (especially today with the stims), but I think that's just my body getting used to a new drug and the absence of the one its used to, added to the removal of the munchie effect from the blues. Once I'm "normal" again, will I start gaining weight? Ag, that would be horrible. Being a cute, thin girl is an easier way to go through life than a girl who is 10-15 pounds overweight. I love being thin and beautiful. What is this, some sort of eating disorder I didn't know I had? I *am* pretty obsessed with food, but in the "learn how to fix a broken butter sauce" type of way, not in the "if I only eat celery all day, I won't have to purge until after dessert" sort of way. I don't know if I could be anorexic on account of I love to eat, that's a non-issue. Bulimic? Sounds gross, bulimics aren't thin and beautiful, they're Kiera Knightley thin and look ready to fall over and die at any moment. No, if I really developed an eating disorder I'd probably just take drugs. Damn. Well the good news is, it's just about my bedtime. I have no plans to score blues, I have no cash even if I did have plans to score blues, and since I am alone with my daughter tonight I can't (and wouldn't) leave to go get anything. I honestly don't even have a taste for them at the moment. I'm in a slight amount of withdrawal, counteracted by the vyvanse. I start getting sick at night so far, I just have to get my body used to the 3mg dose before dropping it next week. Pot helps, as does going to bed early. But even with the sniffles and cramping stomach and goosebumpy skin (compounded by the fact that it's 45 degrees outside), I'm not craving blues. Honestly, that's huge for me right there. I just hope I stay thin- I've actually lost 4 pounds since starting suboxone.

day 4!

I haven't been this long without oxycodone since I started using. I am very proud of myself. Today, tomorrow and the next day I'll be continuing taking 3mg of suboxone, then Tuesday I drop to 2mg. For a little boost of energy, I've also taken Vyvanse today (lisodexamphetamine). I am not doing 100% great, but much better than I have in a long time. Hooray for being on the road to sobriety!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

suboxone day one...

Went to the suboxone doctor today my brother took me at 9am after I told my mom I had to be at school early. I got into this on my own, and that's how I have to get out of it. No crying to mommy and daddy to solve my problems for me. He had to leave immediately, and I chose the *one day* of the week that the clinic opened at 11am instead of 9. So, I waited for 2 hours. No excuses- I ran out a while ago. They dosed me with 4mg and then wrote me a week's worth of 12mg per day. Since I take 1-2mg per day (and plan on starting my taper at 3mg tomorrow) this should last me long enough to not have to go back next week for a dosage drop to 10mg. I've heard that suboxone doctors are famous for overprescribing and that "less is more" with buprenorphine drugs like suboxone. 4mg was far too much- I was high by the time I got to school at 130pm (by taxi, no less). The high has seemed to increase instead of decreasing as the day has gone by. We reviewed for the final practical exam today at school. Nothing I don't already know how to do.

I think this is going to work, my little suboxone taper with 11 1/2 pills in my possession. I hope so- I miss being clean. I didn't really appreciate it when I was. Probably because I didn't know what addiction was, I just smoked pot sometimes and didn't *need* it. Oxycodone is different. I'm so excited to have my script and no more excuses! Has anyone ever been this excited to STOP using drugs? Hooray!

a script

I'm seeing the suboxone doctor today at 9am!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

outing myself to someone

Smoked a half of one today after school. I couldn't take the withdrawal anymore. After hours of consideration, I outed myself to my brother, who knows of my pot usage and was one of the few that knew I used oxy "every once in a while" but of course didn't know I was addicted or that I used every day. He will be visiting for about a week soon, so he is going to take me to an outpatient detox that I have researched so I can get a script for suboxone from an actual doctor. I'd be able to quit using suboxone if I had enough, but I can't seem to find any on the black market so I need to get a prescription. He is willing to take me to pick it up.

I was so afraid (and a bit ashamed) to tell him about my struggles, and he astonished me with his response: he's having trouble with pills as well. Different pills, but still- we have more in common than I thought. He told me no one knows except for his 2 dealers and now me. Amazing. The biggest difference is that he doesn't have any kids and is only responsible for himself. We can support each other, but he lives 7 hours away so it will have to be over the phone and internet for the most part because he only makes it to DC every other month or so. This detox center will be good for me- between that and the meetings I've been going to, I should be able to kick this crap for good. I can't wait! I'm going to maintain on the LOWEST POSSIBLE DOSE until then, just enough to keep me able to take care of my business and of course my beautiful daughter. I don't even want to smoke or get high anymore, I really don't. I'm so over it, I just want to be normal and not have to expend so much mental energy on the acquisition and concealment of these horrific blues!

Today, only 15mg. I'll do the same amount tomorrow only if I really need to, I'm hoping on not dosing at all until at least after school. I just want to do right by R. I cry sometimes because I just want her to be happy, that's all I really want. Everything else in my life takes a backseat to her happiness. I hate being a secret junky. Only a week and 2 days until I get my prescription! Until then, meetings and maintenance. With my brother at my side, I know I can do it.

In non-secret-junky news, R's little half-brother was born today! No, I was not pregnant, it's R's father's baby with his girlfriend of over a year. On this blog, I'll call him Matt since that's nowhere near his name. I can't wait until the girlfriend and child are discharged so R and I can come over and see him! I've seen one picture on facebook, he's a little wrinkled bundle. Looks nothing like R, looks a lot more like his mother, adorable though. I'm really excited for them, and R has seen the pic and since then has been yammering about "my baby brudder, he's brand new mama, I big girl sister, I hug baby [Matt], he's a little baby, very funny and cute, I so happy". God I love it when she says she's happy.

still clean

It hurts.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

day 2 no oxy

I'm sick, I'm covered in sweat and I didn't sleep all last night. But I haven't taken anything all of yesterday! I just took 1mg of suboxone at 644am and am waiting for that to give me some relief.