Saturday, March 12, 2011
one problem on top of another?
I've seen people when they get off drugs, and they always get fat. Maybe that's it. I was never really big, 15 extra pounds at most, but since starting the blues I have been thin and beautiful. As a chef and a baker, I could never really pull off "emaciated" since I ate constantly. The blues gave me "the munchies" and the energy and desire to cook, so I'd always come up with something delicious. So how does taking pills that make me want to eat alfredo sauces and Italian cheesecake make me LOSE weight? It doesn't make a lick of sense. I'm actually eating less being on suboxone (especially today with the stims), but I think that's just my body getting used to a new drug and the absence of the one its used to, added to the removal of the munchie effect from the blues. Once I'm "normal" again, will I start gaining weight? Ag, that would be horrible. Being a cute, thin girl is an easier way to go through life than a girl who is 10-15 pounds overweight. I love being thin and beautiful. What is this, some sort of eating disorder I didn't know I had? I *am* pretty obsessed with food, but in the "learn how to fix a broken butter sauce" type of way, not in the "if I only eat celery all day, I won't have to purge until after dessert" sort of way. I don't know if I could be anorexic on account of I love to eat, that's a non-issue. Bulimic? Sounds gross, bulimics aren't thin and beautiful, they're Kiera Knightley thin and look ready to fall over and die at any moment. No, if I really developed an eating disorder I'd probably just take drugs. Damn. Well the good news is, it's just about my bedtime. I have no plans to score blues, I have no cash even if I did have plans to score blues, and since I am alone with my daughter tonight I can't (and wouldn't) leave to go get anything. I honestly don't even have a taste for them at the moment. I'm in a slight amount of withdrawal, counteracted by the vyvanse. I start getting sick at night so far, I just have to get my body used to the 3mg dose before dropping it next week. Pot helps, as does going to bed early. But even with the sniffles and cramping stomach and goosebumpy skin (compounded by the fact that it's 45 degrees outside), I'm not craving blues. Honestly, that's huge for me right there. I just hope I stay thin- I've actually lost 4 pounds since starting suboxone.
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so the Vyvanse is from your own prescription....for ADD ? just wondering, since you mentioned it. And apaparently, you don't consider weed to prevent you from being in recovery? That's not making sense for me. Have you thought about the therapy or NA ?
ReplyDeleteIt's my brother's prescription. And I am attending NA. Right now my priority is getting off the physical dependence to the opiates. Anythign else I can work on in it's time. Teetotaling now would be unhelpful.
ReplyDeleteSounds to me that you are in this just half heartedly. You can't be off drugs and smoke weed. That is counter productive and totally contradictory. I think you need counseling in the worst way to make you understand what the underlying problems in your life are (like self image, insecurity, self worth, etc.) You have a long way to go but taking it one day at a time is the way to do it.
ReplyDeleteWhat would be helpful is to get a sponsor from NA. I doubt the sponsor would think "teetotaling" is not helpful. And as Bristolvol said, the approach that you're communicating here does sound half hearted, and addiction is way too powerful to work on with a less than 100% strategy to be successful. That's why NA advocates making your recovery "the number 1 priority". If you do that, all the rest that you care about (like your daughter,your schooling, relationships with others, your health, whatever) will be affected positively.
ReplyDeleteAnd individual therapy/counseling is also necessary to go beneath the "symptoms" of using drugs. The drug use is a reaction to what you need to heal from. I'm rooting for you.
I was thinking about this some more.....it's simple. You're not yet ready to surrender....you have conditions upon which you'll use or not. It's the very very typical behavior of an addict,...that the addict thinks that his/her addiction is unique,.....for instance, that what NA is recommending may be o.k. for other addicts, but "I'm different", etc.,. ie.....It's fine if you still drink or smoke weed or whatever the thing is you want to do. It's as simple as,...I won't surrender to being powerless. but the way it works for recovery is that if you don't realize that you need to surrender to your powerlessness, which is actually the truth, your addiction will take over you again,...even if with a different drug. It's still there waiting to tangle with you. Please consider this truth. I only say this because I hate to see you kidding yourself.
ReplyDelete...and what if I don't listen to every word NA says? Then what?
ReplyDeleteThis is not grey. It's either black or white. Drugs or no drugs. You are being perfectly understood. You are not ready to get off drugs.
ReplyDelete^
ReplyDeleteFinally someone who understands! I am quitting oxycodone because it is a problem for me. Marijuana is not a problem for me, and therefore I am not ready to quit. I'm not quitting cigs or coffee either. Life is not black or white, drugs or not. Life is doing the best you can with what you have. If it's really drugs or no drugs, then I guess I'm a stupid useless druggie who hasn't accomplished anything. I guess it doesn't mean a damn thing that this is the longest I've been off oxy since I started. Since it's "black and white, drugs or no drugs" I guess I fail and I might as well give up if I'm not following Your Way. Just because I'm not after YOUR GOAL FOR ME doesn't mean I'm not doing better than I have in a while. Hell, I'm finally happier. That matters more to me than any intolerant "black and white" philosophy. Almost a week off the stuff!