you don't have to use the c word...

I think a lot of folks are misunderstanding me. When I said that I wanted to get off blues, they must have heard "I want to do everything that NA says." Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. My goal at the moment is *not* NA-approved squeaky clean off everything and working the little steps and surrendering everything I've worked so hard for. Okay? It simply isn't. My goal at the moment is BREAKING THE PHYSICAL ADDICTION TO OXYCODONE. Anything else... well, it's just what total strangers think is best for me. I'm doing better now than I have since I started, and all I get, both from this blog and at meetings, is "you aren't really clean" "you're doing it wrong" "suboxone is cheating" "you need to do things my way" "your program is different than mine" and my personal least favorite, "NA IS THE ONLY THING THAT WORKS". I'm sorry, but what a load of crap. I've known folks to quit drugs without ever taking one of the 12 steps. Maintenance to detox? Religious conversion? Pregnancy? That works if you work it too. NA is one of many tools that addicts have. It's not the end-all of recovery that all drug addicts must emulate or perish. That just sounds too holier than thou. I am in recovery! Maybe not in NA-approved recovery, but I'm getting better. I'm feeling happier and I'm saving money and this is my 6th day without oxycodone in a row. Maybe that's just "stupid" and "non-NA" to everyone else because I'm taking suboxone and smoking weed but it means a hell of a lot to me. My biggest issue with NA so far is that the people are divided into 2 camps- USING and CLEAN. I suppose the USING group is "dirty." And that's it, you are either with us or you are against us. Circumstances mean nothing. If a man who smoked crack for 15 years completely gets off the blow, gets a job, gets an apartment, gains 10 pounds and then drinks a beer with his buddies after work, he's USING. Basically takes a large crap on all your accomplishments in favor of "the NA way", which of course isn't right for everyone. There is no set of rules out there that is right for everyone. I may be in the opposing camp (dirrrrty dirrrrty USER) but at least I'm helping myself.

So if anyone has any tips that will help me BREAK THE PHYSICAL ADDICTION TO OPIATES, please don't keep it to yourself. But if anyone has tips to inform me HOW TO DO IT YOUR WAY... well, I really couldn't care less. Maybe once I break the physical addiction, I can quit everything else. Maybe. If I want to. Not if someone else wants me to, but if I WANT TO. I have been smoking weed since I was 13 years old with absolutely no ill effects, but I forgot that strangers know better than I do. Because I'm obviously in denial- the sort of infuriating accusation you can't respond to in any way but placid agreement.


So... 6 days off oxycodone! From now on, this blog will NOT tolerate use of the word "clean" to mean anything but not covered in dirt. It is offensive slang to me, and in the same way that I don't use the f-word, I will not be using the c-word.