outing myself to someone

Smoked a half of one today after school. I couldn't take the withdrawal anymore. After hours of consideration, I outed myself to my brother, who knows of my pot usage and was one of the few that knew I used oxy "every once in a while" but of course didn't know I was addicted or that I used every day. He will be visiting for about a week soon, so he is going to take me to an outpatient detox that I have researched so I can get a script for suboxone from an actual doctor. I'd be able to quit using suboxone if I had enough, but I can't seem to find any on the black market so I need to get a prescription. He is willing to take me to pick it up.

I was so afraid (and a bit ashamed) to tell him about my struggles, and he astonished me with his response: he's having trouble with pills as well. Different pills, but still- we have more in common than I thought. He told me no one knows except for his 2 dealers and now me. Amazing. The biggest difference is that he doesn't have any kids and is only responsible for himself. We can support each other, but he lives 7 hours away so it will have to be over the phone and internet for the most part because he only makes it to DC every other month or so. This detox center will be good for me- between that and the meetings I've been going to, I should be able to kick this crap for good. I can't wait! I'm going to maintain on the LOWEST POSSIBLE DOSE until then, just enough to keep me able to take care of my business and of course my beautiful daughter. I don't even want to smoke or get high anymore, I really don't. I'm so over it, I just want to be normal and not have to expend so much mental energy on the acquisition and concealment of these horrific blues!

Today, only 15mg. I'll do the same amount tomorrow only if I really need to, I'm hoping on not dosing at all until at least after school. I just want to do right by R. I cry sometimes because I just want her to be happy, that's all I really want. Everything else in my life takes a backseat to her happiness. I hate being a secret junky. Only a week and 2 days until I get my prescription! Until then, meetings and maintenance. With my brother at my side, I know I can do it.

In non-secret-junky news, R's little half-brother was born today! No, I was not pregnant, it's R's father's baby with his girlfriend of over a year. On this blog, I'll call him Matt since that's nowhere near his name. I can't wait until the girlfriend and child are discharged so R and I can come over and see him! I've seen one picture on facebook, he's a little wrinkled bundle. Looks nothing like R, looks a lot more like his mother, adorable though. I'm really excited for them, and R has seen the pic and since then has been yammering about "my baby brudder, he's brand new mama, I big girl sister, I hug baby [Matt], he's a little baby, very funny and cute, I so happy". God I love it when she says she's happy.