I still have 2 of the 4 blues I bought night before last, and will make them last all of today and possibly through tomorrow. Then when they are gone (Sunday or Monday) I'm gonna start weaning off with the suboxone. Who the hell has time for rehab? Isn't that just AA meetings, suboxone, and a bed for hundreds of dollars a day? Well I have suboxone and a bed right here and there are AA meetings somewhere in DC I assume. And it won't cost me hundreds of dollars a day, cause me to drop out of school, or keep me away from my daughter. Not to mention I won't be surrounded with all sorts of other junkies! Seriously, who wants that? The more I learn about junkies, the more I dislike them (yes, I'm a hypocrite, who cares).
I just noticed I typed my city up there, and I'm gonna let that stand. Yes, I live in a suburb of Washington DC. I don't think saying that will reveal my identity. Find the suburban mom who cooks in DC who has a secret habit, right? It's like a very complicated Where's Waldo. I love my city as well as Baltimore (where I lived for the many years I didn't live with my parents). I have never lived anywhere other than the area surrounding DC and Bmore and don't feel the need to. I love it here! Right now it's freezing though, can't wait until the summer. Living so close to our nation's capital makes me more of a political activist, because these idiots are RIGHT HERE and you want to go yell at them all the time. I don't particularly feel like outing my political beliefs on here, I have a STRONG slant in one direction so I suppose it'll come out eventually just by writing. But I didn't start this blog to write about how I feel about universal healthcare or immigration. I started it to write about my life, my kid, my schooling, and my struggles.
So- kicking oxy should be fun. I'm looking forward to saying "I have 30 days clean", what a trip that will be. Today I'm taking R to a birthday party she's been invited to. I'm always apprehensive about taking her to birthday parties because there will be cake, sometimes ice cream, usually a snack like pizza or chips. She can't eat ANY of those things, and I don't want her to be sad. But she's surprisingly mature about it- I just need to bring her special cookies and she'll be fine.
Last night I accompanied my parents to a food festival, which was a lot of fun. R couldn't eat anything there (as usual) but I brought her a sandwich and a green-food bar (personally I don't understand how she can stomach those kale-packed horrors, but she loves them and they're incredibly nutritious so I keep giving them to her) and a fruit-leather that she calls "candy" so she was happy. R is always happy, seriously. She really enjoyed dancing to the music and banging thunder sticks together to make a loud noise. I was happy too because I got to eat shrimp scampi with garlic pesto penne, which I now want to attempt to reproduce. That stuff was orgasmically delicious. Did I just invent a word? Then I ate a piece of garlic bread which didn't taste very good, but I ate it anyway because I wanted to eat the rest of the sauce from my scampi. Less than half an hour later I was throwing up in the bathroom. I was on an appropriate amount of oxy (not enough to be high, not too little where I felt sick) so I really don't think it was that. After throwing up I felt a whole lot better so we hung out for another hour before coming home, where I went to bed with R instead of staying up and smoking an oxy like I'd intended to. That was how I woke up with 2 1/2 left instead of 1 1/2 or even worse, only 1.
no,...rehab. isn't just what you are describing, it's more than that...and you'll never really get into recovery without help,....not on your own. Even if it is only NA, you NEED others to be able to do it. The drug use is only a symptom of what else is wrong,...not sure if you're thinking about that. Find a counselor who works with addiction. I hope you do go forward and stop using. Good luck...it won't be easy, but is not impossible. Get help from others.
ReplyDelete