I didn't quit doing blues. I've been doing them daily, even smoking at night. It sucks, but it is what it is. I'm trying again tomorrow, I feel so much better on the subs and off the blues than when I'm on them.
I'm working on being a better mom to R. Sometimes I'm rude or dismissive to her when I shouldn't be, or I pawn her off on someone else when she wants to play with me because I want to play on the computer or do something else unimportant. Also I'm not in the greatest mood when she wakes me up at 7am, and the way I speak to her is not a good way for us to start the day. I have recognized my problem and starting today have been trying to address that. When I went to bed last night, I decided that the first thing I would say to R when she woke me up was "good morning". I wouldn't grump at her, or turn on a cartoon while I continued to sleep with her sitting next to me on the bed, or tell her "let mama sleep a couple more minutes". And I did it right- we got right out of bed, I got her a glass of almond milk and watched Spongebob with her, we got dressed, played with puzzles together instead of me screwing around on the computer while she played alone. Then we went for a walk around the block to blow bubbles and look at animals (birds, squirrels, dogs, etc) and then had our breakfast outside (bundled up of course) as a picnic. She really loves being outside. Then we went to the zoo and played together until 2pm, and she fell asleep on the ride home. I transferred her into our bed when we got back and am still waiting for her to wake up so we can go to the mall together, or possibly the park. I really love that kid, and she's so much happier when I play with her instead of being selfish and lazy like I tend to be. I need to make a conscious effort to say "no" to her less, because once we are hanging out together I never regret it. She's so much fun and she's hilarious.
I spent night before last hanging out with Jean, the girl who sells me the blues. We smoked quite a few and talked about our kids. She didn't even bother to pick up her kid this weekend, which I don't understand. If I only had R on weekends, I'd be there Friday night at midnight because it'd be technically Saturday. And I can't even say "If I was on drugs" like I have no idea what she's going through. I am on drugs, and I couldn't be away from my kid the way she is. I'd go nuts, if we were apart I'd do whatever it took for us to be together again. She told me I'm a good mom. Sometimes I have my doubts.
the best thing you could ever do for that child is to get clean,..into recovery with all your intention and keep working on it, day by day. No amount of reading stories, playing with puzzles, or going to the park could ever come close to what your sobriety can give her, for the rest of your(and her) life. Even more so, if you don't do that (get and stay clean)...you are ordering up a future of much emotional pain for her....trust me. Find help from OTHERS,...as you were told, and can (hopefully) now see,...it will not work on your own. Good luck and God bless you.
ReplyDeleteI think you are trying to convince yourself that you are a good mom even though you are doing drugs. This poor child will have to pay for your addiction some day. If you continue with your drug use, you will run up so much debt that you will have to repay instead of being able to afford things for your child. A bleak future is ahead for this kid with a mother on drugs. Death is a reality every day and I don't know where her dad fits into this picture, but if he does not, then she'll be an orphan before long. Don't you want to accompanty your little girl until she is of age and do it sober? That would be the first step to being a good mom. It's time to check yourself into a rehab, dear girl!
ReplyDeleteP.S. How will you ever get a job while you are doing drugs? All the schooling you are doing is for not if don't get help.