Didn't quit. Big surprise, right? I didn't actually try this time, I just bought more. My checking-account balance scared me, so I chopped my ATM card in half. Now if I need money for my/R's needs, I'll have to take her into the actual bank and get the necessary cash. No ATM card means no money at night, when I'm tempted.
Night before last I got high with Jean. She couldn't find any blues, so we ended up buying 40mg OxyContin and we smoked 2 of them in her car parked in her dad's driveway while no one was home besides her younger brother (who does it too). The name-brand OxyContin gets me much higher than the blues do, but they are much harder to crush up and snort. Yesterday I brought my microplane zester/grater into the bathroom to grate the halves of the remaining pill so I could get it up my nose. I guess I could have eaten it, but I wanted to bust through the time-release first. 40mg all day yesterday, and no more. I ended up purchasing 3 more at about 1130pm, I was dead asleep when Dude called me and told me he happened to be 5min away from my house and would I like a couple for a discounted price. I jumped on that of course, but didn't do any right away because I was already mostly asleep and figured it would be a waste of drugs.
This morning I woke up really feeling the withdrawal. I still kept my promise to myself about the first words out of my mouth to R being "good morning [R]" in a cheery tone. We did our "cuddle-snuggle" (her words) as per our morning routine, which I'm proud to say I didn't rush through just to get away from her and go get high. Then I put her on the couch with her raisins and almond milk before retiring to the bathroom for a 30mg line. I dressed her in the new outfit I just bought for her and gave her hugs hugs hugs. That little R deserves all the hugs and love in the universe.
To answer a comment about "how are you supposed to get a job if you keep doing drugs"- that's actually the great thing about my chosen field of work. From the finest 4-star restaurants and hotels to the guy who flips the burgers and drops the french fries at Mickey D's, drug testing is all but nonexistent in the food world. This is because almost everyone in a professional kitchen is on something. Booze, pot, pills, coke, speed, crack, heroin, hallucinogens, or a combination of those. Most of us smoke cigarettes as well (which I do). In my profession, being on drugs doesn't matter as long as you can show up each day and do your job. And that's what I do now- I take care of business first. I have no absences at school and I'm known as one of the "strong ones" in my kitchen group there (as in, the ones who help carry the talentless hacks). I do all sorts of odd jobs for money, mostly cooking for people or writing essays but other stuff as well. This weekend I'm catering a 2-year-old birthday party, which I'm very excited about. I get to put the cake-decorating skills I've learned in school to the test! The mother of that 2 year old is NOT going to care what drugs I took that morning or the night before the party. What she will care about is the food, especially the cake. Are the chicken strips warm and crispy? How is the macaroni and cheese? Does the cake feature Elmo and Big Bird from Sesame Street as requested? Are there bowls of fresh fruit and veggies with ranch dip? Somehow I don't think making me urinate in a cup for a drug test is on her list of party events. Another reason I want to be a chef so badly.
Anyway, I'm out of cash and my ATM card is in several pieces. I have 2 blues left, I'll probably do one more today and then get through all of tomorrow with just the last one. I'll just repeat my mantra over and over and over- do not buy any more. Do not buy any more. Do not buy any more. Do not buy any more. Any cash I make will be taken to the bank (not the ATM, obviously) and deposited immediately. Money can only be spent on groceries, cigarettes, diapers and clothes for R. Nothing else. I've lost my Starbucks privileges.
There's a large left-wing political protest in DC this weekend, and I was thinking of going. For the sake of neutrality, I'm not going to say whether I'm going to march with them or join the counter-protest group. But either way, I'm practicing my freedom of speech! Tonight is an NA meeting that Jean and I are going to, she is supposedly trying to get her daughter back. Wish me luck.
I do wish you luck...but that's not going to do it. Wow,...it's amazing how you actually don't think that you need to go to rehab.. Do you really(truly) think that making those rules for yourself and saying that saying over and over will work to get you off drugs ? How about looking up some real info. on oxycontin addiction and people who get into recovery ? Again...I'd recommend you read that book by Abraham Twerski....Addictive Thinking. Maybe you'll start understanding why you're thinking as you are. Nevertheless,I do wish you good luck.
ReplyDeleteditto. I moonlight on the side as a psychic for drug addicts and my predications have never been wrong. I'd tell you your fortune, however I know you don't want to hear it. Let's just say your future looks very bleak for you and your child unless you actively seek help to conquer your addiction. You child deserves better than to have a drug addicted mother. What kind of an example are you setting for your child?
ReplyDeleteRehab isn't a magical cure. Hell, after reading a lot of the parent blogs I'm more convinced than ever that rehab is a huge waste of my time. All I read is about so-and-so went to rehab, talked about how much they wanted sobriety and then they didn't last a month because they started getting high again. It doesn't take 5 grand and a few months away from my daughter to learn what I already know, which is that I should say no to drugs. Don't most of these treatment centers have a 3% success rate? I thought "it works if you work it" not "it works if you go to an expensive rehab".
ReplyDeleteWell, it sounds you are headed for an early demise. I have never met an old junkie.
ReplyDeleteI know someone personally who kicked an oxy habit, one way larger than mine. She just quit, it took her about 2 weeks of tapering and then suboxone taper.The chick has been clean 11 months now. I've seen that it can be done, I just have to do it.
ReplyDeleteyes...people do go to rehab and relapse...because addiction is BRUTAL,...but everyone doesn't relapse, and if they do, they may not relapse the next attempt they make to get clean. But girl,..you need to learn a LOT about why you came to be doing this in the first place,...find out the truth about yourself, as well as about your disease and how it typically works and how to deal with it. If you don't go to rehab., you sure do need to go to NA,get a sponsor, and some private therapy for yourself...do some background work. It's a lot more involved than just "deciding to quit and doing it",...which is why there's such a high relapse rate. But I say it again...you WON'T be successful on your own...you need help from others. I hope you decide to get it.
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