I needed to dose at 630am today, a personal worst. R woke me up at 6am and I couldn't even lay on the bed next to her and cuddle like we do every morning. I lasted all of 5 minutes before we got down off the bed and I gave her almond milk and raisins so I could go to the bathroom and sniff up a half. I wish it didn't have to be this way, I don't want to end up being one of those moms that I hear about from other people who spends their kids' food and diaper money on drugs and then lay around wasted while the kid is hungry and dirty. I make sure the important stuff gets taken care of first (those toddler pull-up pants cost a fortune) and only then can I buy drugs. If I only have $20 and R is out of her important foods, then I guess I'm not gonna feel very good because I won't spend her money. It doesn't seem right. This is another way I can justify my use to myself. "Well, at least I have my priorities in order. At least I'm not stealing. At least I'm not homeless (though that could change in an instant if I was outed). At least my daughter is happy. At least I'm doing well in school. At least I have my own money. At least I'm not sticking needles in myself (gross). At least no one knows- that's the most important one of all." But, I still get to wake up too sick to even lay in my own bed, I've still spent close to a grand in 2011 so far JUST on pills, I'm still not as happy as I could be.
I'm gonna come up on some money at the beginning of next month though, because my class all has to write 7-page papers and no one wants to do it. I've started asking if anyone wants me to write their papers instead and I have 3 takers so far. I'm charging by the grade I get for them- if they get a 100% on the paper I get $100, if they get a 90% I get $90, and if I get lower than a 70% (failing grade at my school) I get nothing because they aren't paying me to fail. I'm confident I can get 3 100% grades, as I am good at writing research papers. Not that you can tell from my writing here, but this is just more whatever garbage pops into my head and not a well thought-out research report. I also get my school stipend check from my scholarships sometime around the 28th, that will be close to $600. I also do online product testing which brings in a couple extra bucks here and there (gas and cigarette money, mostly). It's good to know I have some money coming in soon, as my supply is dwindling. I hit that ATM pretty hard, when I'm hurting.
Well again, you told Fractalmom, you only get high when your kids goes to bed at night. You are running yourself into a brick wall and you might want to start kissing your kid good bye. She deserves better than you for a mother. You are pathetic. People are not as dumb as you give them credit for. I challenge you to check yourself into rehab before it is too late instead of trying to score a few bucks.
ReplyDeleteTruly, your addictive thinking(a by-product of addiction) has you fooling yourself,even though you don't mean to. Being outed isn't your big problem...your addiction is. However, there IS help that you can pursue, and if you don't want to cause your little one and yourself a LOT of future pain, ..you should find help for your addiction to begin to recover. Your daughter is in for a ton of pain if you don't....don't kid yourself. Even though you may not have meant for it to become this way, it's what it is and it's not going to get better...only worse. And yes, spending your kid's food money on drugs will happen,...and you very well may lose your daughter. Besides pursuing recovery....start at NA, find a rehab., etc.,...read Addictive Thinking by Abraham Twerski. Hope you think about this...it's literally a life and death thing. If not for yourself, think of that little girl.
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