one o'clock in the morning

I sent my one remaining dealer (I'll just call him Dude) a text message before I went to bed at 11, letting him know that I would like it if he came through either tonight or in the morning. Of course, I've been trying to get a hold of him for 2 days (both at night AND in the morning) so I didn't have very high expectations. I didn't blow up his phone, I didn't continue texting him, I just went into the room and went to sleep after Bones was over. I was awoken at 1am by the cellphone ringing- it was Dude and he was 5 minutes away. I stumbled out of bed, shuffled through my cash to find the appropriate amount to buy 4 blues, piled on 50 layers of clothing (I don't think it will give away my location to simply say that it's FREEZING where I live) and lurched half-asleep into the driveway to meet Dude. My dad was still awake, so I wonder if he suspects me. He could just think I was going out to smoke a cigarette, I doubt he thinks I'm "just getting trees" (they don't care about my marijuana smoking) because no one crawls out of bed to buy trees at 1 am. I get outside, and what a sketchbag, Dude is curled up in the backseat of his own truck whispering about cops. This is my last buy from this weirdo, I thought to myself as I handed over the cash and he handed over the drugs.

I get back inside, put the pills away, and lay back down in bed when I realize I can't get back to sleep. It had been 8 hours since my last dose. I could have probably made it through the night if I had stayed asleep (although I would have woken up just as sick as I did yesterday morning) but once I was awake, I was awake until I got well. So I had to sniff up a half, hiding in the corner of my room under the nightlight so nobody saw me. I have never felt more like a junky in my life than I did last night, shivering next to the nightlight at 1am, crushing up a piece of a pill so I could snort it and go back to sleep. That didn't make me feel good at all, well physically it helped quite a bit but not in any other way.

Being a junky is a real balancing act sometimes- enough drugs to feel good but not enough to get high and nod off, enough caffeine (nonfat lattes and Pepsi Max) to get through the day and counteract the drugs and suppress my appetite but not enough to get hyper and have my heart pounding, enough sleep to function but not too much to where I wake up in bad withdrawals. Throw weed and nicotine in there and I'm a damn mess (weed is only at night or on the way home from school though- I don't feel addicted to the weed because I don't obsess over it like I do the blues). The seesaw is perfectly balanced right now though... until I make some espresso.

I wanted to write about 2 things that were said in the comments here, as well as on other blogs where I have commented. One is the whole "underweight/emaciated" thing, and the other is the "bad parent" thing. Am I "underweight" or "emaciated"? Absolutely not! I will admit that since I started using drugs in August, I have lost over 40lbs. But that's not just because of the drugs, in fact one of the reasons I started using drugs to begin with is that I liked the way they completely killed my appetite. I started out my run fat. Not drastically so, but heavy enough to be worried because obesity does run in my family and I, at 5'1, was tipping the scales at 167lbs. It was mostly tied into the way I ate (as is the case with most fat people) because I didn't really exercise any restraint when it came to the foods I wanted and also because I cook and I cook well. Starting every dish I made with half a stick of organic butter was standard, and I always left room for dessert. Cream sauce, cheesecake, beurre blanc, pastries, muffins, chips with dip, candy, and cheese are my biggest weaknesses food-wise. I would just eat and eat and eat and then go out and buy bigger clothes and an even bigger bag of Cape Cod potato chips.

Being big didn't make me feel very good about myself, so I started a weight-loss regimen. I didn't want to go on a "diet" because that screams not only "restriction" but also "temporary". I didn't want to starve myself into losing 10lbs and then celebrate with a raspberry cheesecake like so many others in my family. So I started eating healthier, slurping down more caffeine (I'm afraid of real uppers or diet pills), and eating healthy snacks throughout the day so I didn't gorge myself at dinner. Breakfast is fruit and sometimes cereal, then throughout the day I eat fruit, granola bars, and the occasional pastry we make at school since I'm in the bakeshop now. Instead of eating 5 pastries though, I limit myself to 1 or 2 (depending on size and type). Dinner is when I make my beloved fattening foods, not every night but a couple nights a week. The other night we ate broiled fish with an all-fruit/veggie tomato sauce and whole-grain black rice, but the night before that it was cheese-filled whole-grain raviolis. Nothing wrong with cream sauce once in a while, if it's balanced out by my diet the rest of the day. It feels good to not have forbidden foods, and it's worked for me a lot.

Another reason I eat so healthy is because R has severe food restrictions. She has bloody diarrhea when she eats her "forbidden" foods, and since an allergy panel as well as several tests done by her doctor came back normal, I have figured it out myself by keeping her a food journal where I list everything she eats and drinks and all of her bowel movements (gross, but part of being a good mom in my case). The journal has worked wonders, and I now know exactly what foods she can't have without incident: uncooked milk (although she can eat yogurt, cheese, butter, and cooked dairy), soy protein/lecithin/flour, white flour (all she can have is whole grains), and any dish with a high fat content such as a fried item or my beloved cheesecake. That sounds terrible, but it's actually beneficial to both of us. I feed her extremely healthy meals, and that forces me to eat healthier myself because I don't want to be a hypocrite or make her cry by eating her forbidden foods right in front of her. Switching from white bread to sprouted-grain isn't that big of a change, nor is fettucine to whole-wheat spaghetti or milk to almond milk. I make her special cookies that only have 1tbsp of canola oil per 25 and 100% whole grain flour and oatmeal along with quite a bit of dried fruit, and she is happy with her diet.

This actually leads right into my other point- am I really a bad mommy because of the drug I use? Really and truly? I honestly don't think so. All the people who know nothing of my addiction praise me for being a loving, caring, and attentive mother to R and she is always so happy to be around me. A bad mother wouldn't make sure her sensitive toddler had cookies or fresh strawberry sorbet to eat for dessert (since ice cream, with it's uncooked cream and high fat content, is out of the question). A bad mother wouldn't search the school bakeshop for whole-wheat cake flour and fun cookie cutters on sugar-cookie day to make a small batch of R-safe cookies shaped (and frosted) like pink pigs in addition to all my other assignments that day. A bad mother wouldn't sit down and watch these horrible preschool cartoons with the kid just to have a chance to "cuddle-snuggle" as she says. A bad mother wouldn't take her kid for a jog when she felt sick to her stomach, or hell, keep a detailed food journal complete with poop inspections to spare the kid any pain or discomfort. I do all of these things, and a whole lot more. Are all of these things negated by ONE aspect of my life? Is everything I do for her meaningless because I choose to smoke oxy after R goes to sleep for the night and is safe and warm under her HOMEMADE quilt? It doesn't make any sense to say that.

I am a good mother. I've always been a good mother. I never used any drugs during my pregnancy (I did smoke cigarettes for the first 2 months before I found out about her existence, but I quit right after the EPT showed 2 lines) and I never have been high in front of her. I might use drugs while she is with me (NEVER in front of her, R has never seen any drugs) but I don't do enough to get high during the day. I do half the amount it takes to get high just to get "normal". It's like booze- there's nothing wrong with having a glass of wine while eating dinner with your kids (as long as you don't have to drive after). It's very different from chugging down the bottle and acting drunk right in their faces. R has never seen me nod out, or drive under the influence (I don't drive anyway, so that's not an issue with us), or be unable to function in any way because of my use. I shelter her, as a 2 1/2 year old should be sheltered. I'm a good mother with a personal problem that I don't allow to affect her. She couldn't ever find anyone else who loves her as much as I do. She's my R, and she's my universe. Drugs will always be after her on my list of priorities- not even second because school is second.