I am so scared that I'm going to be found out, that I'm not going to be able to stop, that I'm going to lose R. I can't lose R, she is my entire universe. There are only 2 things in the world that makes this junky really, truly happy and satisfied. The first (and foremost) is R- she's the light of my life. Having our picnic breakfast every morning is my happiest part of the day. We just bundle up and sit on the driveway on a blanket, and I make a platter with a large sandwich cut into little bite-sized circles and a bowl of yogurt and different types of fruit- blueberries, strawberries, apple slices, tangerine, starfruit, kiwi, etc. Then we fill up a large cup of water or occasionally juice and we bring the whole thing outside to eat. We stay out there chatting and playing for an hour sometimes. The only other thing that makes me happy is cooking- when I'm in the kitchen (just like when I'm with R) I don't think about getting high. I can forget for a while that I'm a junky because I have other important things in my life. Things MORE important to me than getting high.
But the fact remains, I am scared. I earned some money just to spend on blues an d I am so incredibly high right now that I can barely see the words on the screen. I usually don't make typos so hopefully this will turn out legibly. My fingers might be clumsy too though, so who knows. Jean is my friend, a real friend, I've known her since way before the drugs. She is also my main connection for oxy, and I have asked her, as a friend, to not get anything for me. To completely cut me off to oxy and refuse to get me any. She has agreed, I now need to ask Dude the same thing. I hope she follows through. I'm NOT BUYING ANY MORE. I'm going to a meeting with R tomorrow morning, I'm gonna get a sponsor or at least someone to talk to that can talk me out of things, I'm gonna finish up what I have and then not buy any more. I need to stop spending money almost as much as I need to quit doing blues. I'm so incredibly blitzed right now, I don't even know if this makes any sense.
yes...it does make sense,...in that you DO need to stop, but please know, you need some help from people are professionally trained to help addicts. It's O.K.,...you can TELL someone....even your parents, and get help in treatment. It's very obvious how much you love your daughter,....and your efforts to help you get clean won't take her away. Can your parents help you with taking care of your daughter while you work on getting better ?
ReplyDeletePlease just know...to stop doing the drug is only 1 part of it...it's so much more. You need to find out all about this from treatment. There is a reason that you feel compelled to numb yourself, but you CAN heal from that. PLEASE consider telling your parents and going to treatment.
You have a disease. It's called addiction. Very few people can heal themselves. If you had cancer, you would immediately seek professional help. Well, this disease is not much different. It is terminal if you don't treat it. You need professional help to heal with your disease. Do it now, before it is too late.
ReplyDeleteIt may be a disease, but no one ever got kicked out of the house and lost custody of their kids for having cancer. This makes the addiction situation completely different. In fact, addiction is more like a choice than a disease- every day, I choose to smoke/snort oxy. You don't wake up every morning and choose to continue having cancer. Huge difference.
ReplyDeletenow there's the thing....step 1.,...you are POWERLESS and your life has become unmanageable....meaning, the way you are now...it's not in your own power to choose to abstain. You need HELP from others AND a higher power.
ReplyDeleteYou will not lose your child from choosing help for recovery. Be up front with your parents...think of how you love your daughter...and think of the possibility that you are also loved that way,...and that you would be able to get help. I don't know your relationship between your parents and you and who they are...just that you're living in their home must mean they care enough about you that you can live there. There's a reason,..or multiple reasons that you came to be an addict...it's not just that you tried oxys one day....it's more than that. You also need to find out all of that so you can heal what's driving your addiction, although it IS a biological predisposition/disease as well. Being afraid of losing your daughter is not a logical reason to not seek recovery. If you haven't been neglectful or mistreated your daughter...which it appears that you certainly haven't,...then you are in no danger of losing her...because you have an addiction to deal with.
Could you start by finding a counselor that works with addicts and get some advice ? Even if your parents know nothing about the real facts about addiction, there is a way to educate them, one step at a time. Start by getting advice from someone who is educated in the field. I really am hoping you'll think about this....at least start reading and educate yourself to start. Don't let fear be your guide or make your decisions. You deserve to have recovery and peace and not let this substance rule your life.