been using oxy for the last 4 days, culminating in trying heroin for the first time last night. After all the horror stories I've heard about sticky black tar that you have to shoot in yourself and romantic stories about falling in love from the first time, it was quite uneventful. It was a little bag of brown powder that I could sniff just like the oxy, made me really sleepy and nauseous. I don't like it- the oxy at least gives me energy and assists in me having fun or taking care of my business. All that stuff seemed to do was make me useless and numb. I guess I can see the appeal, if one doesn't have a job or school or a little kid or bills to pay or anything to do her whole life. I prefer drugs that are useful. I've locked up the rest of my funds (which is supposed to have been locked up, I got a surprise check from the scholarship office and thats where the last 4 days came from, I didn't cut into R's money) and am not going to do anything today. Never realized how easy it is to get heroin in DC, it's really everywhere and I didn't notice. I have a car now, just got it day before yesterday, it's kind of old but it runs! Now I don't have to take the metro just to get to work and school and I can actually drive my own kid around. Very excited about that.
The girl I use with stole from me. It hurt me pretty bad, because I thought we weren't like that. Being a drug addict is no excuse to steal from friends and family (or anyone, really). I think if I became a "real junkie" (as in, no job no house no custody of kid no money) I'd rather be a prostitute than steal from people. I stole ten dollars from my dad when I was 15, to buy cigarettes and beer. Felt terrible about it until I confessed and paid him back 2 months later. I don't know how people live with that on their conscence. Especially from people they supposedly care about.
I'm making progress. I'm glad I used, it gave me a sense of perspective- it really wasn't worth all the trouble it caused me this weekend and getting ripped off for 80 bucks while I slept she went through my pants. I love the word progress because it's flexible, like me. Going to downtown today, maybe take R to the mall and see all the touristy parts of my beloved city. Lincoln Memorial, anyone?
Sadly I highly doubt h will be a one time thing. It might start slow, but I give it 2-3 month before your addiction is worse then you ever thought imaginabke,
ReplyDeleteYou will be stealing before you know it.
ReplyDeleteRemember, I am a psychic for drug addicts and I just read you your fortune. I have never come across an addict who does not steal. Very sad, indeed.
Do you go back and read your own stuff that you write ? You are now delving into heroin...and you sum that up as "making progress"? I mean...that is messed up...don't ya think ? I appreciate your comment on my blog,...and I agree that stealing is heinous...totally. But your thinking is SO DAMN LIKE AN ADDICT (not surprising) and you can't see it, because you're looking out of your addict eyes.
ReplyDeleteThe classic thing that you're doing is the "well, I may have a problem with this substance or be an addict, but I'm not as bad as that guy/girl" who does x,y, and z that I don't do. It's very very common for addicts to have the thinking of being unique among addicts,..even though they're NOT...and that's what your blog communicates, and has from the beginning....like you're going to be this drug addict that also happens to be a good and productive student, good mom of a little girl,...and be so functional that no one will know.
Well..that's not how it's working...in case you can't see it out of your own eyes...you're NOT unique among addicts,..you're instead exhibiting the most common behaviors and thinking patterns of addiction,..and not only have you not been able to get off the Oxys,..which is what your goal was many months ago, ..you're now progressing on to heroin, which is SUCH a typical pattern for oxy addicts to follow. :(
I'm not saying any of this in an unkind way...but PLEASE get yourself HELP FROM OTHER PEOPLE that can offer assistance...this will NOT work to try to get clean on your own. Can you see your results thus far?...after many months?..not clean...and now progressed into heroin. Your daughter so deserves better...there is no way out of this except to admit your lack of ability to solve it on your own....tell your parents or others that love you about your addiction and go forward WITH HELP.
And yes..addicts steal....why were you surprised about someone you were doing heroin with stealing from you? Take it from us parents...hide your purse....and do it better than I did the other night. As Bristolvol said..you will also be doing the same soon if you don't get help from someone.
God bless you SJ....PLEASE read what I said and think about it...just consider that it COULD be accurate.
I don't think that just because I switched one drug for another one time, that means I'm doing worse. I don't judge progress by the actual substances that enter my body, but on how I am doing in other parts of my life and how I feel physically. I really don't think I'll be doing h again, that made me pretty sick and I was "hung over" from it the next day.
ReplyDelete