stop the hate please

I didn't start this blog to be insulted and called a bad mother. I started this blog to make sense of my feelings and my addiction without being hated on or discriminated against. If it's a "disease" like the commenters claim, then why the hate? To use one commenter's analogy, you wouldn't call a cancer patient a bad mother for having cancer. It's just rude is what it is. I don't spew hatred and judgement on any other blogs. Why the disdain for lil SJ? Does anyone believe they are helping in any way by calling me a bad mother while not knowing anything about me besides less than a month of very selective excerpts from my life? Didn't anyone's mother ever teach them that if they didn't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?

I'm not living with my parents because I'm on drugs, I'm living with my parents so I can finish college. I'm not the only college student to ever do this, I reckon, especially since I'm a single mother. And my daughter's father was a sweet, loving, caring (so I thought) non-addict who deserted us as soon as she was born. She sees him every other Friday and he pays child support. He has another girlfriend and another child now, and I don't want to force sweet little R on anyone. I want the people in her life to WANT to spend time with her and to love her without anyone making them. I don't want R to be a burden on anyone. She's too special for that.

Please stop with the negativity. It's unhelpful at best and cruel at worst.

too high to type

I am so scared that I'm going to be found out, that I'm not going to be able to stop, that I'm going to lose R. I can't lose R, she is my entire universe. There are only 2 things in the world that makes this junky really, truly happy and satisfied. The first (and foremost) is R- she's the light of my life. Having our picnic breakfast every morning is my happiest part of the day. We just bundle up and sit on the driveway on a blanket, and I make a platter with a large sandwich cut into little bite-sized circles and a bowl of yogurt and different types of fruit- blueberries, strawberries, apple slices, tangerine, starfruit, kiwi, etc. Then we fill up a large cup of water or occasionally juice and we bring the whole thing outside to eat. We stay out there chatting and playing for an hour sometimes. The only other thing that makes me happy is cooking- when I'm in the kitchen (just like when I'm with R) I don't think about getting high. I can forget for a while that I'm a junky because I have other important things in my life. Things MORE important to me than getting high.

But the fact remains, I am scared. I earned some money just to spend on blues an d I am so incredibly high right now that I can barely see the words on the screen. I usually don't make typos so hopefully this will turn out legibly. My fingers might be clumsy too though, so who knows. Jean is my friend, a real friend, I've known her since way before the drugs. She is also my main connection for oxy, and I have asked her, as a friend, to not get anything for me. To completely cut me off to oxy and refuse to get me any. She has agreed, I now need to ask Dude the same thing. I hope she follows through. I'm NOT BUYING ANY MORE. I'm going to a meeting with R tomorrow morning, I'm gonna get a sponsor or at least someone to talk to that can talk me out of things, I'm gonna finish up what I have and then not buy any more. I need to stop spending money almost as much as I need to quit doing blues. I'm so incredibly blitzed right now, I don't even know if this makes any sense.

i guess i'm not a real mother

Went to an NA meeting last night with Jean. About 30 minutes in, some stupid woman "shared" a 15 minute rant about "selfish bitches" who do drugs when they have young children and then "dare to call themselves mothers". Way to alienate. Jean and I left, we don't need that sort of nonsense, I doubt it was aimed at us as we hadn't said we each had a kid. But still, you've got a lot of women there who are trying to get help- why say things like that? Stupid.

this is the deal that never ends, no it goes on and on my friends, lil SJ tried to work with her while knowing who she was, and she'll be texting fruitlessly forever just because this is the deal that never ends...

A frustrating play-by-play of me scoring oxy in DC today:

834am-    SJ texts Jean to ask for oxy
1111am-  Jean texts SJ that she can get them now
1115am-  SJ texts to inquire about price
1117am-  Jean texts SJ the price
1124am-  Jean texts SJ she will be over soon to pick up the money
1157am-  Jean texts SJ she will be over in 20 minutes
105pm-    Jean calls SJ to say she will be there in 2 minutes and to come outside with the money
113pm-    Jean arrives to pick up the money and drives off
143pm-    SJ texts Jean to find out what is going on with her money
144pm-    Jean texts that she just picked them up, but she stopped to pick up her paycheck and cash it
145pm-    Jean texts that she will be at SJ's house with the oxy at 230
158pm-    SJ forgets how much she hates running out, and smokes her last 15mg of oxy
223pm-    SJ stares uselessly at the clock, knowing full well that Jean won't deliver at 230
236pm-    SJ texts Jean to find out if she is nearby
238pm-    Jean texts that she is just now cashing her check
300pm-    ....absolutely nothing.....
304pm-    Jean texts that she is on her way back to SJ
329pm-    Jean calls to tell SJ that she hasn't gotten them yet and might not be able to, and might be back to drop SJ's money off
330pm-    SJ hangs up and fights tears
342pm-    Jean calls with no good news
346pm-    SJ texts Dude asking if he has anything
347pm-    Dude texts SJ to come on over to his house
347pm-    SJ calls Jean for a ride to Dude's house, she agrees and says she will be at SJ's in less than 10 minutes
400pm-    Jean pulls up at SJ's house and invites her to hop in the car
410pm-    SJ texts Dude that she is on her way
414pm-    SJ and Jean arrive at Dude's house, SJ gathers her and Jean's money
416pm-    SJ enters Dude's house and makes the transaction
422pm-    SJ snorts half a blue in Jean's car
441pm-    Jean takes SJ to pick up R and go to the park


This is the sort of situation that makes me want to quit doing blues. All the waiting... I hate it. Hate it hate it hate it. Well, at least I'm straight now and have some for tonight and for tomorrow. I'm not really trying hard at all to quit to be honest. It is what it is.

still going

Didn't quit. Big surprise, right? I didn't actually try this time, I just bought more. My checking-account balance scared me, so I chopped my ATM card in half. Now if I need money for my/R's needs, I'll have to take her into the actual bank and get the necessary cash. No ATM card means no money at night, when I'm tempted.

Night before last I got high with Jean. She couldn't find any blues, so we ended up buying 40mg OxyContin and we smoked 2 of them in her car parked in her dad's driveway while no one was home besides her younger brother (who does it too). The name-brand OxyContin gets me much higher than the blues do, but they are much harder to crush up and snort. Yesterday I brought my microplane zester/grater into the bathroom to grate the halves of the remaining pill so I could get it up my nose. I guess I could have eaten it, but I wanted to bust through the time-release first. 40mg all day yesterday, and no more. I ended up purchasing 3 more at about 1130pm, I was dead asleep when Dude called me and told me he happened to be 5min away from my house and would I like a couple for a discounted price. I jumped on that of course, but didn't do any right away because I was already mostly asleep and figured it would be a waste of drugs.

This morning I woke up really feeling the withdrawal. I still kept my promise to myself about the first words out of my mouth to R being "good morning [R]" in a cheery tone. We did our "cuddle-snuggle" (her words) as per our morning routine, which I'm proud to say I didn't rush through just to get away from her and go get high. Then I put her on the couch with her raisins and almond milk before retiring to the bathroom for a 30mg line. I dressed her in the new outfit I just bought for her and gave her hugs hugs hugs. That little R deserves all the hugs and love in the universe.

To answer a comment about "how are you supposed to get a job if you keep doing drugs"- that's actually the great thing about my chosen field of work. From the finest 4-star restaurants and hotels to the guy who flips the burgers and drops the french fries at Mickey D's, drug testing is all but nonexistent in the food world. This is because almost everyone in a professional kitchen is on something. Booze, pot, pills, coke, speed, crack, heroin, hallucinogens, or a combination of those. Most of us smoke cigarettes as well (which I do). In my profession, being on drugs doesn't matter as long as you can show up each day and do your job. And that's what I do now- I take care of business first. I have no absences at school and I'm known as one of the "strong ones" in my kitchen group there (as in, the ones who help carry the talentless hacks). I do all sorts of odd jobs for money, mostly cooking for people or writing essays but other stuff as well. This weekend I'm catering a 2-year-old birthday party, which I'm very excited about. I get to put the cake-decorating skills I've learned in school to the test! The mother of that 2 year old is NOT going to care what drugs I took that morning or the night before the party. What she will care about is the food, especially the cake. Are the chicken strips warm and crispy? How is the macaroni and cheese? Does the cake feature Elmo and Big Bird from Sesame Street as requested? Are there bowls of fresh fruit and veggies with ranch dip? Somehow I don't think making me urinate in a cup for a drug test is on her list of party events. Another reason I want to be a chef so badly.

Anyway, I'm out of cash and my ATM card is in several pieces. I have 2 blues left, I'll probably do one more today and then get through all of tomorrow with just the last one. I'll just repeat my mantra over and over and over- do not buy any more. Do not buy any more. Do not buy any more. Do not buy any more. Any cash I make will be taken to the bank (not the ATM, obviously) and deposited immediately. Money can only be spent on groceries, cigarettes, diapers and clothes for R. Nothing else. I've lost my Starbucks privileges.

There's a large left-wing political protest in DC this weekend, and I was thinking of going. For the sake of neutrality, I'm not going to say whether I'm going to march with them or join the counter-protest group. But either way, I'm practicing my freedom of speech! Tonight is an NA meeting that Jean and I are going to, she is supposedly trying to get her daughter back. Wish me luck.

a better mom

I didn't quit doing blues. I've been doing them daily, even smoking at night. It sucks, but it is what it is. I'm trying again tomorrow, I feel so much better on the subs and off the blues than when I'm on them.

I'm working on being a better mom to R. Sometimes I'm rude or dismissive to her when I shouldn't be, or I pawn her off on someone else when she wants to play with me because I want to play on the computer or do something else unimportant. Also I'm not in the greatest mood when she wakes me up at 7am, and the way I speak to her is not a good way for us to start the day. I have recognized my problem and starting today have been trying to address that. When I went to bed last night, I decided that the first thing I would say to R when she woke me up was "good morning". I wouldn't grump at her, or turn on a cartoon while I continued to sleep with her sitting next to me on the bed, or tell her "let mama sleep a couple more minutes". And I did it right- we got right out of bed, I got her a glass of almond milk and watched Spongebob with her, we got dressed, played with puzzles together instead of me screwing around on the computer while she played alone. Then we went for a walk around the block to blow bubbles and look at animals (birds, squirrels, dogs, etc) and then had our breakfast outside (bundled up of course) as a picnic. She really loves being outside. Then we went to the zoo and played together until 2pm, and she fell asleep on the ride home. I transferred her into our bed when we got back and am still waiting for her to wake up so we can go to the mall together, or possibly the park. I really love that kid, and she's so much happier when I play with her instead of being selfish and lazy like I tend to be. I need to make a conscious effort to say "no" to her less, because once we are hanging out together I never regret it. She's so much fun and she's hilarious.

I spent night before last hanging out with Jean, the girl who sells me the blues. We smoked quite a few and talked about our kids. She didn't even bother to pick up her kid this weekend, which I don't understand. If I only had R on weekends, I'd be there Friday night at midnight because it'd be technically Saturday. And I can't even say "If I was on drugs" like I have no idea what she's going through. I am on drugs, and I couldn't be away from my kid the way she is. I'd go nuts, if we were apart I'd do whatever it took for us to be together again. She told me I'm a good mom. Sometimes I have my doubts.

who, me?

I was offered a hit of crack by a drunken homeless guy at the bus stop today. Maybe my junky is starting to show.