memorial day

I love patriotic holidays in downtown DC. We spent the morning watching the festivities and having a picnic at the mall. Haven't taken any suboxone yesterday or today, so I'm feeling pretty bad, gonna dose .5mg (1/16 of a pill) at noon and hopefully that will get me right. I'm almost out of the subs, if I can't jump off soon I'm gonna have to go back to the suboxone doctor for another script which will cost some of the money that I've put aside for the apartment that R and I (and a roommate and her kid) are moving into within the month! That sweet baby R is so special, I can't wait to get our own place so I need to not go back to the sub doctor and instead save that cash.

My friend who robbed me has paid me back $20 of what she took, and is now in detox. Hope she finds what she is looking for. As I understand it, she goes to detox whenever people get really pissed off at her and then thinks everyone should treat her better because of it. Whatever. I can't see myself stealing from friends and family, even if I do get worse in my addiction. That is low, low, low and it's not my style. I don't necessarily believe that every drug addict will steal- although I will agree that a junky is more likely to. My brother is a drug addict, and he's never taken anything of mine or my parents. It all comes down to who you are as a person, drugs can't change your core values that much. I dunno, I feel like I've been on opiates forever, I don't even remember my carefree life before R, or even with her as an infant when I didn't use anything, it's summer again which means I'm almost one year on this merry-go-round of addiction. A year! Not bad. Not buying any stuff today, even if the girl comes over.

thieves are the worst

been using oxy for the last 4 days, culminating in trying heroin for the first time last night. After all the horror stories I've heard about sticky black tar that you have to shoot in yourself and romantic stories about falling in love from the first time, it was quite uneventful. It was a little bag of brown powder that I could sniff just like the oxy, made me really sleepy and nauseous. I don't like it- the oxy at least gives me energy and assists in me having fun or taking care of my business. All that stuff seemed to do was make me useless and numb. I guess I can see the appeal, if one doesn't have a job or school or a little kid or bills to pay or anything to do her whole life. I prefer drugs that are useful. I've locked up the rest of my funds (which is supposed to have been locked up, I got a surprise  check from the scholarship office and thats where the last 4 days came from, I didn't cut into R's money) and am not going to do anything today. Never realized how easy it is to get heroin in DC, it's really everywhere and I didn't notice. I have a car now, just got it day before yesterday, it's kind of old but it runs! Now I don't have to take the metro just to get to work and school and I can actually drive my own kid around. Very excited about that.

The girl I use with stole from me. It hurt me pretty bad, because I thought we weren't like that. Being a drug addict is no excuse to steal from friends and family (or anyone, really). I think if I became a "real junkie" (as in, no job no house no custody of kid no money) I'd rather be a prostitute than steal from people. I stole ten dollars from my dad when I was 15, to buy cigarettes and beer. Felt terrible about it until I confessed and paid him back 2 months later. I don't know how people live with that on their conscence. Especially from people they supposedly care about.

I'm making progress. I'm glad I used, it gave me a sense of perspective- it really wasn't worth all the trouble it caused me this weekend and getting ripped off for 80 bucks while I slept she went through my pants. I love the word progress because it's flexible, like me. Going to downtown today, maybe take R to the mall and see all the touristy parts of my beloved city. Lincoln Memorial, anyone?

still clean, pretty much

Something between 3 weeks and a month clean. I'm not counting days. I'm down to itty-bitty crumbs of suboxone per day. I don't know what each dose actually is, but here's my routine. I take a half a suboxone (4mg) and break it into 10 pieces. Then each piece is a day's worth of doses, lately it's been a day and a half's worth of doses. Been smoking less weed, drinking some but always "professionally" and responsibly. My parents are gone for the next 2 weeks so it's just me and R in the house, with my mom's car (I just paid off my drivers license so I can get to school and work, etc) and a house full of groceries. Lots of cravings to buy oxy one of these nights after R is asleep, because I can just smoke them out on the back porch and don't have to worry about getting caught. Not going to do it. One day at a time. I should be totally off the suboxone by the end of this month, progress. I don't care if no one likes this. Progress is an underused term in 12-step lingo, with more focus on "clean" vs "using". I've made tons of progress and I'm proud of me. Got a new awesome job! No more opiate slavery for me.

2

day 2 again

starting over tomorrow

Had a great time today in spite of it all. Got high in a parking lot, hung out with Jean listening to music, took a nap to sober up, made some delicious food, picked up R and went to the park, baked her a cake and presented it to her, put her to bed, now I'm going to bed. Tomorrow I'm back on the subs and I can try again. I still went 2 weeks, which is the longest I've ever been without. I didn't lose that time- no matter what happened today I still was able to accomplish that. I bet I can go longer this time- it wasn't worth it so I don't want to do it again. Wasn't as fun as I remember. Tomorrow is a new day!

...

Shit-talkers prepare your keyboards- I'm about to go get some oxy with Jean. R is at preschool and I have nothing to do all day. Skipped my suboxone. I hope I at least enjoy it.

happy

Having a hard time at 2mg, went up to 2 1/2mg per day, split up into 2 doses. Still no blues. Wanted to get some night before last but Dude texted me a ridiculous price so I said screw it. I'd like to think I would have said screw it either way, but regardless of that I didn't get any. 14 days tomorrow.

I'm nearly done with college and searching for a part time job during my last semester. I can work full time after I graduate, but I need some more money. Today was the first "school day" of my break and I spent it with R riding the metro and wandering around DC. We live in the best city in America. Had a nice lunch and played outside. Had a lazy dinner- avocado-lime egg salad and pb+j for the kid, side of chips and grapes. Happy.