still clean, pretty much

Something between 3 weeks and a month clean. I'm not counting days. I'm down to itty-bitty crumbs of suboxone per day. I don't know what each dose actually is, but here's my routine. I take a half a suboxone (4mg) and break it into 10 pieces. Then each piece is a day's worth of doses, lately it's been a day and a half's worth of doses. Been smoking less weed, drinking some but always "professionally" and responsibly. My parents are gone for the next 2 weeks so it's just me and R in the house, with my mom's car (I just paid off my drivers license so I can get to school and work, etc) and a house full of groceries. Lots of cravings to buy oxy one of these nights after R is asleep, because I can just smoke them out on the back porch and don't have to worry about getting caught. Not going to do it. One day at a time. I should be totally off the suboxone by the end of this month, progress. I don't care if no one likes this. Progress is an underused term in 12-step lingo, with more focus on "clean" vs "using". I've made tons of progress and I'm proud of me. Got a new awesome job! No more opiate slavery for me.

2

day 2 again

starting over tomorrow

Had a great time today in spite of it all. Got high in a parking lot, hung out with Jean listening to music, took a nap to sober up, made some delicious food, picked up R and went to the park, baked her a cake and presented it to her, put her to bed, now I'm going to bed. Tomorrow I'm back on the subs and I can try again. I still went 2 weeks, which is the longest I've ever been without. I didn't lose that time- no matter what happened today I still was able to accomplish that. I bet I can go longer this time- it wasn't worth it so I don't want to do it again. Wasn't as fun as I remember. Tomorrow is a new day!

...

Shit-talkers prepare your keyboards- I'm about to go get some oxy with Jean. R is at preschool and I have nothing to do all day. Skipped my suboxone. I hope I at least enjoy it.

happy

Having a hard time at 2mg, went up to 2 1/2mg per day, split up into 2 doses. Still no blues. Wanted to get some night before last but Dude texted me a ridiculous price so I said screw it. I'd like to think I would have said screw it either way, but regardless of that I didn't get any. 14 days tomorrow.

I'm nearly done with college and searching for a part time job during my last semester. I can work full time after I graduate, but I need some more money. Today was the first "school day" of my break and I spent it with R riding the metro and wandering around DC. We live in the best city in America. Had a nice lunch and played outside. Had a lazy dinner- avocado-lime egg salad and pb+j for the kid, side of chips and grapes. Happy.

day eleven!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG I have 11 days off oxy!!!! This is huge for me, I'm so happy and I'm feeling great. Jumping from 3mg of suboxone to 2mg was difficult, but I did it day before yesterday finally. My taper is a little off track because of that and it will take a little longer than expected. But I've dropped my suboxone dose by HALF and am not even craving the oxy anymore. My relationship with my daughter is improving because she can see how happy I am. Hooray for me.

clarification

So, my last post sounded mean. My bad. I understand that no one was speaking out of malice, just a wee bit of ignorance. What you thought was a half-hearted attempt at quitting all drugs is actually a 100% attempt at tapering off opiates. I understand how that could be confusing to those entrenched in the 12 step culture, where no drugs = good and any drugs = bad. I drink herbal tea to soothe my stomach and calm me down too (chamomile, ginger, etc). I also enjoy spicy foods for the rush (capcasin is a natural stimulant) and drink coffee and soda. MIND ALTERING DRUGS!!!! But seriously, just because people have an addiction problem in common doesn't mean they have EVERYTHING in common. That is why the one-size-fits-all NA approach simply doesn't work for everyone. No question it works for many. I don't like the intolerant exclusivity. And I really hate that c word.

And yes, my parents know about the weed. They don't care as long as I don't smoke inside or in front of them or R (which I don't). They see my actions rather than seeing my situation in black-and-white terms. Good thing they aren't 12 steppers or I might really be in trouble!