ummmmmmm

Barely holding on, not sure how this happened. I quit pills a few months ago. I just like coke.

back on oxy

I'm happier this way all around. It's easier. I have suboxone so I don't use every day and I'm not stuck in the daily grind of needing to get some. My job is going awesome and am getting a lot of hours. Winter and Christmas coming up, already bought the kid quite a few presents. Tried a new drug, well new for me, coke. Liked it a lot, I guess who doesn't, not doing it unless it's free.

...

Off the suboxone finally. Don't much like it, losing my safety net. Losing a lot of weight.

a job!!!!!

I finally got a job! I'm working in the kitchen in a hotel in downtown DC. This is really the best city in America, lots of jobs if you have a skill. Been going to meetings, haven't been using at all but I have a "planned relapse" when my stock market money  comes in on wednesday- $3500! First things first- gas up my ride, buy groceries for the week, buy R something special, buy some summer clothes for both of us. Then I got about $200 set aside for get high. Hooray for the stock market! Hooray for my job! Hooray for DC!

For those of you who like to project "your" addicts behavior onto me: here is a list of things that I've read about on these blogs, but that I've never done:
-gone to jail
-slept in the streets not by choice
-stolen from anyone, especially my family
-pawned someone elses jewelry or electronics
-screamed and cursed at my family (past age 16)
-been fired from a job, kicked out of school, or kicked out of anything really
-gone to rehabs detoxes and halfway houses
-spent all my food money on drugs
-blamed my family for my addiction
-"borrowed" anyones car without permission
-neglected my child to get high or because I was high
-left R with anyone to do anything besides go to work, school, or run necessary non-drug errands
-used someone else's credit or debit card without permission
-broken into anything (house or business)
-sold drugs to kids under 18
-shot up with a needle (gross)
-driven under the influence of drugs or alcohol
-physically abused my child or even had CPS know I exist

I am not your typical addict. I am responsible and I take care of my business. Please no projecting.

secret junkys in NA? i can't hear you...

Been going to meetings lately, already finding reasons I don't like it. At first, I couldn't relate to anyone there because all these people talking about robbing houses and copping crack in west Baltimore just is so far from my world. I was thinking there was no one there more like me, a "functioning addict", who works for a living or goes to school and raises a kid and holds it together but still can't seem to put the stuff down. But then I started thinking- if there are people like me there, they're secret junkys too. They aren't gonna put their business on blast in front of a room filled with 50 scary looking crackheads (or recovering crackheads). It's kind of hard to speak up, I guess. I talked to a couple chicks and they were both, again, far from my world. One told me I should immediately go to detox and then move into some halfway house that she lived at in the middle of the ghetto "where you can live with your kid". THAT sounds like a safe environment for a well-adjusted, sweet, slightly spoiled, Caucasian 2-year-old girl... not. I need to find someone there who I can relate to, another secret junky. I just don't know how to sniff these people out. I think I know about one woman, not sure but she's got all the junky tells. She's another mom at the preschool where my kid goes. Real expensive clothes, nice car, tiny pupils. I couldn't really say why, but she seems like a secret junky to me. I wonder if she can smell it on me. We only know each other to say hi how's the weather at the school or birthday parties.

memorial day

I love patriotic holidays in downtown DC. We spent the morning watching the festivities and having a picnic at the mall. Haven't taken any suboxone yesterday or today, so I'm feeling pretty bad, gonna dose .5mg (1/16 of a pill) at noon and hopefully that will get me right. I'm almost out of the subs, if I can't jump off soon I'm gonna have to go back to the suboxone doctor for another script which will cost some of the money that I've put aside for the apartment that R and I (and a roommate and her kid) are moving into within the month! That sweet baby R is so special, I can't wait to get our own place so I need to not go back to the sub doctor and instead save that cash.

My friend who robbed me has paid me back $20 of what she took, and is now in detox. Hope she finds what she is looking for. As I understand it, she goes to detox whenever people get really pissed off at her and then thinks everyone should treat her better because of it. Whatever. I can't see myself stealing from friends and family, even if I do get worse in my addiction. That is low, low, low and it's not my style. I don't necessarily believe that every drug addict will steal- although I will agree that a junky is more likely to. My brother is a drug addict, and he's never taken anything of mine or my parents. It all comes down to who you are as a person, drugs can't change your core values that much. I dunno, I feel like I've been on opiates forever, I don't even remember my carefree life before R, or even with her as an infant when I didn't use anything, it's summer again which means I'm almost one year on this merry-go-round of addiction. A year! Not bad. Not buying any stuff today, even if the girl comes over.

thieves are the worst

been using oxy for the last 4 days, culminating in trying heroin for the first time last night. After all the horror stories I've heard about sticky black tar that you have to shoot in yourself and romantic stories about falling in love from the first time, it was quite uneventful. It was a little bag of brown powder that I could sniff just like the oxy, made me really sleepy and nauseous. I don't like it- the oxy at least gives me energy and assists in me having fun or taking care of my business. All that stuff seemed to do was make me useless and numb. I guess I can see the appeal, if one doesn't have a job or school or a little kid or bills to pay or anything to do her whole life. I prefer drugs that are useful. I've locked up the rest of my funds (which is supposed to have been locked up, I got a surprise  check from the scholarship office and thats where the last 4 days came from, I didn't cut into R's money) and am not going to do anything today. Never realized how easy it is to get heroin in DC, it's really everywhere and I didn't notice. I have a car now, just got it day before yesterday, it's kind of old but it runs! Now I don't have to take the metro just to get to work and school and I can actually drive my own kid around. Very excited about that.

The girl I use with stole from me. It hurt me pretty bad, because I thought we weren't like that. Being a drug addict is no excuse to steal from friends and family (or anyone, really). I think if I became a "real junkie" (as in, no job no house no custody of kid no money) I'd rather be a prostitute than steal from people. I stole ten dollars from my dad when I was 15, to buy cigarettes and beer. Felt terrible about it until I confessed and paid him back 2 months later. I don't know how people live with that on their conscence. Especially from people they supposedly care about.

I'm making progress. I'm glad I used, it gave me a sense of perspective- it really wasn't worth all the trouble it caused me this weekend and getting ripped off for 80 bucks while I slept she went through my pants. I love the word progress because it's flexible, like me. Going to downtown today, maybe take R to the mall and see all the touristy parts of my beloved city. Lincoln Memorial, anyone?